.:reflections of twilight:.

I’ve been trying to do more paper journaling as a way to dump out a lot of my feelings as they happen so that I can find ways to deal with them. Needless to say, I’ve been writing a lot. It’s this whole damn job situation.

Naturally, I’m plagued with tons of self-doubt and all kinds of crap. I’m beginning to think that I may have made of made a mistake in changing my career. No one seems to want to hire me in any capacity. I keep thinking I’m being punished for something for some reason. I don’t know what.

It’s not like I’m asking to be a millionaire. I just want a comfortable life. A job I enjoy, a home of my own, a car, planning for the future, good health, and enough to be able to enjoy my hobbies. Just like everyone else. How hard is that?

I’m starting to feel resentful for those who tell me that God has a plan for me. Is that so? I wish He’d let me in on it. I’m sick and tired of feeling this way. I’m sick and tired of not being able to even get a new pair of glasses. Of not being able to get my teeth fixed. Of not being able to even get my hair cut. I mean, is this supposed to be my purpose in life? Karma’s punching bag?!

I try not to bleed out my feelings onto social media too much. Which is one of the reasons I keep an offline journal. Still, sometimes I do and I hope others don’t think that I’m trying to elicit sympathy or something. I dunno…

I’m trying to distract myself by knitting and reading and coloring and stuff like that. It helps, but it’s not a cure. I do take meds, but I don’t know if they are as effective as they once were.

I’m mostly posting this to keep those of you who still read this updated on what’s been going on. Pretty much the same as ever. Nothing looks to change anytime soon.

I sometimes wonder if I annoy people by talking so much about my depression. Maybe that in itself is my depression talking. It seems to be getting slightly worse, what with the job hunt going on and facing rejection after rejection. Most people brush it off and move on. For me, it seems so much worse. Like, maybe there is something about me that is inherently unhireable about me. Maybe I'm simply supposed to live a life of poverty for the rest of my life.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It sucks. And while I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, a part of me has wished to die. More than once. I know therapy might help, but I don't know if I can afford it or not. Maybe I need a medication change. I might discuss it with my GP when I see her at the end of the month.

It's hereditary. My dad has depression and I think my mom might have it as well, but she doesn't seem to want to admit it.

I interviewed for a part-time job at the library in a neighboring town. It's something I'd be good at and that I'd like to do. It'd give me the much-needed experience that other employers seem to think I lack. But, I don't know if I'll get it. It seems that no one wants me to work for them and why should this be any different. People keep saying they'll “pray for me” or that “God will put me where I'm supposed to be.” Bullshit. I don't know if I believe that anymore. I wonder why I seem to be clutching so desperately to a belief that hasn't been doing me much good lately. All those people who seem to say that we bring this all on ourselves because our faith isn't strong enough can go straight to hell. Or maybe not. If I'm destined for the Dark Doorway, maybe I don't want to see them down there with me.

Maybe al of the posts I do documenting my depressive episodes are a cry for attention. Maybe I just want to see if anyone out there still cares.

I’m going to try to make more of an effort to do regular blogging. Especially since more people will likely migrate to here from LJ (see previous post).

Sometimes it sucks being stuck inside of your own head. My moods have been pretty regular lately, so I don’t have much to complain about in general, but there are moments when my depression and anxiety like to remind me that they are still around.

I got to thinking about how I feel that my family tends to not take me seriously, especially my cousins. It doesn’t help that I’m the youngest of my cousins and so there is this tendency to still think of me as just a snot-nosed little kid, despite the fact that I’ve been an adult for over 20 years now…

I don’t think it helps that I’m not married or have children. So my opinion and insight seem to fall on deaf ears. I tend to think my mom feels the same way from time to time. Granted, I don’t have as much experience adulting as my elders, but I’m not exactly new at this. I was trying to tell my mom to sit and relax and not take her frustrations out on other objects and the like (more on why later), but she laughed me off. Like I’m still this little kid who doesn’t know better and is playing at being a grown-up.

I will say, that there are situations that make me feel as though I don’t know what I’m doing, like where I’m the only adult in a situation, but hopefully that’ll pass eventually. But, I digress…

In other news, the reason mom was so frustrated this morning was because we got a phone call from the clinic where I get my Remicade treatment saying that, since I changed doctors and they didn’t get the proper authorizations, my treatment FOR TOMORROW is canceled. Keep in mind, my appointment to establish with a new GI was THREE WEEKS AGO, and they were sent the authorization at the same time. Why didn’t they inform us of this sooner where we could’ve had more time to make arrangements, I have no idea.

So there was a lot of back and forth going on between the clinic and the insurance company about prior authorizations and much frustrations as a result. Needless to say, the end result is that I don’t get my treatment tomorrow like I need to until I contact my GI office and get into where they have privileges in case things go belly up. When that will happen, I have no idea. Hopefully, I can hang on until things get resolved. I swear, I hate the state of health care in this country, and if Trumplethinskin and his cronies get their way, it’ll only get worse. People who have mental health issues are getting worse and it’s no wonder…

Sooooo, I’m trying to be more Zen about the whole thing (and mom needs to as well), but things keep going down the crapper. Hopefully, I can survive the rest of this year…

OK, I'm feeling a smidgen of rage right now, and I feel the need to let it out, so bear with me.

It might be a bit long, so I'll put it under a cut.

( Read more... )

In other news, we will be moving. We were approved for the apartment, so all we need to do is pay the security deposit and the first month's rent and sign the lease and it'll be official. That's some additional stress. While I want to move and am happy about this, I dislike the actual process of moving. The packing, the physical transfer of our stuff from one place to another and the unpacking. Plus, we'll be doing this in January, and I'm not looking forward to moving in the winter. Hopefully things will go smoothly, but my Anxiety (once again) likes to rear it's ugly head now and then and give me stress. Nnnnnngggg...

We're holding off on making it public until we sign the lease and all of that.

That's it for now. Hopefully 2017 won't be a total custerfuck, but I'm not holding my breath. And sorry about the ranting...

OK, so there's a slight chance we may be moving.

Here's the breakdown. Friends of ours live in an adult-only apartment complex that is based on income. Since mom is the only one who is over 55, it'd be based on her SSI that she receives. This is good since she'd be living there on her own eventually anyway. Our rent is currently $800.00 a month. I usually pay the rent with my monthly annuity, which basically takes all of my money. However, if we get this new apartment, it'd be cut in half, if not more.

It's much smaller than our condo, and there is no garage and no basement. However, with the money we'd save on rent (which mom would be paying instead of me), I can get a storage unit for the extra stuff we have and still have money left over. For me, it'd most likely be temporary, because once I find a job (God willing), I'd eventually move out on my own and mom would have the place to herself.

We took a tour today and found the apartment to be very nice. It has a laundry room and an elevator, which would help mom out considerably since it's on the second floor. I'd have to try and re-work my space issues with my stuff, but I think I can figure out something. Plus, I'd get my own bathroom again, which I miss since living here.

The area isn't all that far from where we are now. While we're currently on the South side of town, this is closer to the North side and we'd have to get re-oriented to where things are located.

It shouldn't be too difficult for us to qualify. While I'm not thrilled at the prospect of moving again, I think it's the best for both of us, since it'd save so much on money and maybe I can get ahead financially and can save some money for when I move out on my own. Ad I know it'd be a load off of mom's mind since she was always so worried that she'd have to find a place that was less than reputable for her to live in eventually. This place is nothing like that.

So prayers and good blessings that things will fall into place as needed. While we're far from being homeless, it's been quite the struggle to keep up with bills and rent and everything lately and moving here would help us out quite a bit. Plus, there are people we know who live there and that would be nice for us in many ways.

I'm not gonna mention anything about it on social media until things are finalized and I tell my immediate family what our new address would be.

No news on the job front. Maybe next year? I dunno. I don't know if others have as much difficulty with trying to find employment in my career choice or if it's just my luck. Maybe I'm meant to wait a certain period of time until after the potential move and mom's possible knee surgery next Spring? I just wish I had a little heads up as to what the plan is so that I can rest easy. Augh, so much uncertainty!!

I voted early last week, so hopefully this dumpster fire of an election will prove to be fruitful for the right people. I'll be honest, Trump in the White House terrifies me on so many levels. #ImWithHer

This has been a rough 24 hours for me. I never heard back from the school I interviewed with and that usually tells me that they decided to hire someone else. A phone call or an email would've still been nice instead of leaving me hanging. It just doesn't seem very professional to do that to someone who applied for a position with you.

So another rejection triggered a major depressive episode that I still haven't fully recovered from. Being plagued with self-doubt with a smidgen of self-loathing sprinkled in isn't the best way to spend an evening. On top of all of this, the online company I was working for decided to cancel my contract with them because apparently, I wasn't rating things as perfectly as they would've liked me too. Although the email they sent was pretty nice, praising my professionalism through it all.

I did think that the end of this job meant an opening for a library position somewhere, but I guess not. I decided to step away from my social media accounts for a little while until I've fully dealt with this latest episode. Plus, I got tired of people trying to tell me how to handle my rejection. Just because something worked for one person, doesn't mean it'll work for me. I will send an email to the principal saying I appreciated him taking time out of his day to interview me (and others).

I may try to look for another online job in something like proofreading or something. I'll give myself a little bit of a break before I do, though...

Wow. It's been awhile since I posted on here.

I don't think 2016 is gonna be my year. Well, so far, 2016 hasn't been a great year all around. I'm thinking more professionally on my account. Despite many efforts, I haven't had any job bites so far. The school year will be starting soon and at this point, I don't think it's gonna happen. I've been trying to keep my hopes up and my options open, but it's been for nothing. Maybe I should take the first thing that's offered to me instead of holding out for something I really want. Hey, what's being unhappy over a steady income? I never knew that trying to find a job would be this difficult, at least for me. Others who graduated already have jobs. Maybe I'm just a loser who no one wants to hire...

Sorry, got a little dark there. People keep giving unsolicited advice to me, like maybe I need to volunteer somewhere. While that would be nice, I can't give up my paying part-time job. Maybe I should. I mean, who needs to pay for food and bills and the like?

This whole job search isn't good for my mental health, I gotta say...

The extra income is nice for one thing: I can go out and do some more things other than staying home all the time. Not just going to the bookstore and the like, but some of the summer programs that the area has. So, there's that I guess.

I'm gonna stop here before I depress myself further.

I apologize for not posting much. I have a busy schedule with my part time job and doing various errands and whatnot during the daytime. The evening usually consists of me catching up on my non-work related internet time. I think I spend waaaaay too much time online and not enough doing my other hobbies, like reading and knitting. I'm going to try and remedy that. We'll see how successful I am. I tend to get sucked into websites like TVTropes, Cracked or Buzzfeed. Occasionally Wikipedia, but not as much anymore. I also listen to some podcasts, so that takes up some of my free time as well.

I applied to another job at a local school. It's about 30 minutes away (in good traffic). It's not a huge school, but it's not a small one either. It's about mid-sized. It's a high school, which is where I want to try to get in. I still have applications out to two high schools in Knox County yet, and I haven't heard from any of them as of yet. Maybe within the next few weeks since school is ending and the principals and the HR staff can find the time to go through applications.

Being at a local school would be pretty nice, since I wouldn't have to worry about finding a place to live right away and I can maybe save up to find a place after I've been working for a year and they find they like me. So keep fingers crossed, prayers flying and good vibes a-comin' my way that I'll get a job soon-ish!

Mom has been having a good time with the friends she made from her card group. I'm glad. I was a little worried that she wouldn't do much of anything once she retired and since we moved to a new state, we didn't know much of anyone and the people we do know here are busy with their own lives. I tag along sometimes too, like for karaoke nights. I don't sing, but I like to watch and listen and be supportive. It's pretty fun, but by the end of the evening, my introvert batteries are starting to majorly drain and I'm usually ready to leave.

Mom has been getting her knee injections and they seem to be helping. She not walking lopsided anymore. She's also able to do more things with greater ease, which is nice. Her hip was hurting as a result of her walking off kilter because of her knee, but the ortho doctor said it should feel better once her gait improved. Maybe once the summer rolls around, we can start to do more things like we were doing before.

My part time job is still going. There are some aspects of it that can be tedious, but that's any repetitive job. But, the extra money is nice to have and it enables me to be able to do things that I wouldn't be able to do otherwise. I just have to remember to remain focused and not to let my attention stray too much so that I can get the requisite amount of reviews done in the time allotted. I doubt I'll be able to continue once I get a full time position, since I wouldn't have the time, but that's at least a few months away yet. I also have to remember to fill out the forms I need to defer my student loan payments for at least another few months until I start a full time job. They do offer income based repayments, which I think is the best way to go for me right now.

It's a busy year for movies! Now that I have some extra income, I don't have to wait to see summer films until who knows when (I still have yet to see Inside Out). Ghostbusters is one I want to see as well as X-Men Age of Apocalypse and Finding Dory. I think there are a few others coming out (like the Independence Day sequel) that I may see as well. I also have my 40th birthday in a few months which I'd like to have a big shindig for, but we'll see what is in store come the end of July.

Which reminds me, I'm also due for my colonoscopy sometime this summer. Not something I'm looking forward to, but such is life with a chronic illness.

That's all for now! I'll try not to be so long between entries.

I'm trying very hard to not be annoyed right now. My car isn't working due to issues with the brakes. And when you only have one car, it kinda limits you.

While there have been a few nice people who have taken us for errands and the like, but there's still a limit to even what they can do.

Even though I have a part-time job now, I still don't have the money to get it fixed. So I'm pretty much stuck at home. And that's a problem. Not only is it the catalyst for massive cabin fever, but I can't do things that I need to do, like getting my allergy shots and doctor appointments to go to. I just have to figure out what to do.

Additionally, I'm kind of in a holding pattern with my job prospects. I realize it's getting close to the end of the school year, so there isn't going to be a ton of focus on new hires right now, but I have to figure something out so I know if I need to move and getting all of that taken care of. Plus, I have student loans due soon, so that's another problem I have weighing on me.

Why do children want to be adults so much? It kinda sucks...

I'm trying to stay positive, but it's not easy. Especially when you're like me and have Anxiety. It's not a good combination...

The wonderful world of living with Anxiety. For a lot of people, they have concerns about certain things. For me, and many others with Anxiety, it ramps up. Right now, I'm feeling so much Anxiety about what will happen to me in the future. It's 24/7 all the time. I have so much going through my mind, like: Will I find a job? Will it pay well? Will I have to move? If I do, how will I afford it? Will I find a place in a nice area? Will I need to get a newer car? Will mom have to come with me? Will she be able to manage without my car? Will I do well in my new job? Will the students like me? Will my co-workers like me? And etc...

The meds I take do help, believe it or not. Without them, the feelings would be a lot more intense and overwhelming. As it is, they're still there, but not at the forefront of everything else. And they help with my Depression as well.

I know it seems like a lot to dump out all at once, but I think once you see it in black and white, it helps clarify things sometimes. Plus, it can be a way of looking back and reflecting. I just hope that I can be successful as an adult after all...