snapdragon76: Knights of Cydonia (koc_muse)
I’m going to try to make more of an effort to do regular blogging. Especially since more people will likely migrate to here from LJ (see previous post).

Sometimes it sucks being stuck inside of your own head. My moods have been pretty regular lately, so I don’t have much to complain about in general, but there are moments when my depression and anxiety like to remind me that they are still around.

I got to thinking about how I feel that my family tends to not take me seriously, especially my cousins. It doesn’t help that I’m the youngest of my cousins and so there is this tendency to still think of me as just a snot-nosed little kid, despite the fact that I’ve been an adult for over 20 years now…

I don’t think it helps that I’m not married or have children. So my opinion and insight seem to fall on deaf ears. I tend to think my mom feels the same way from time to time. Granted, I don’t have as much experience adulting as my elders, but I’m not exactly new at this. I was trying to tell my mom to sit and relax and not take her frustrations out on other objects and the like (more on why later), but she laughed me off. Like I’m still this little kid who doesn’t know better and is playing at being a grown-up.

I will say, that there are situations that make me feel as though I don’t know what I’m doing, like where I’m the only adult in a situation, but hopefully that’ll pass eventually. But, I digress…

In other news, the reason mom was so frustrated this morning was because we got a phone call from the clinic where I get my Remicade treatment saying that, since I changed doctors and they didn’t get the proper authorizations, my treatment FOR TOMORROW is canceled. Keep in mind, my appointment to establish with a new GI was THREE WEEKS AGO, and they were sent the authorization at the same time. Why didn’t they inform us of this sooner where we could’ve had more time to make arrangements, I have no idea.

So there was a lot of back and forth going on between the clinic and the insurance company about prior authorizations and much frustrations as a result. Needless to say, the end result is that I don’t get my treatment tomorrow like I need to until I contact my GI office and get into where they have privileges in case things go belly up. When that will happen, I have no idea. Hopefully, I can hang on until things get resolved. I swear, I hate the state of health care in this country, and if Trumplethinskin and his cronies get their way, it’ll only get worse. People who have mental health issues are getting worse and it’s no wonder…

Sooooo, I’m trying to be more Zen about the whole thing (and mom needs to as well), but things keep going down the crapper. Hopefully, I can survive the rest of this year…
snapdragon76: My Chinese Zodiac sign (Japanese dragon)
The wonderful world of living with Anxiety. For a lot of people, they have concerns about certain things. For me, and many others with Anxiety, it ramps up. Right now, I'm feeling so much Anxiety about what will happen to me in the future. It's 24/7 all the time. I have so much going through my mind, like: Will I find a job? Will it pay well? Will I have to move? If I do, how will I afford it? Will I find a place in a nice area? Will I need to get a newer car? Will mom have to come with me? Will she be able to manage without my car? Will I do well in my new job? Will the students like me? Will my co-workers like me? And etc...

The meds I take do help, believe it or not. Without them, the feelings would be a lot more intense and overwhelming. As it is, they're still there, but not at the forefront of everything else. And they help with my Depression as well.

I know it seems like a lot to dump out all at once, but I think once you see it in black and white, it helps clarify things sometimes. Plus, it can be a way of looking back and reflecting. I just hope that I can be successful as an adult after all...
snapdragon76: <3 Kenshin! (Kenshin)
I have my Praxis exams all scheduled for July. Hopefully I can get a passing score, especially since I don’t test well. I barely passed my GRE and had to be admitted to grad school on a conditional acceptance (which I have since met and exceeded). I found some blank index cards to make study guides with using notes from a site called Quizlet. It has a lot of Praxis resources as well as sample questions. I also have the practice tests that I can do once I feel ready.
We’re getting to the mid-point of summertime, despite the fact it’s still ‘officially’ spring. We’ve been having unseasonably warmer weather these past few weeks. I hope this isn’t a pattern that will continue for the rest of the summer. I rather like having more temperate environs. Needless to say, I’ve been doing a lot of stuff indoors. I need to discipline myself more and do my Pilates on my machine down in the basement. I keep telling myself to do it, but I never get around to it…

I received an email from my advisor saying she needed documentation from the Office of Students with Disabilities in order to help figure out my placement for my Practicum. There’s a requirement that all students need to conduct lessons and I guess if one is registered at the Disabilities office, it helps to dictate the implementation of lessons, which the supervising librarian will need. I’m a little leery of the lessons, since I have massive Anxiety issues and especially trying to talk to students in a classroom setting. I’m not going to try to worry about it now since it’s a ways away, but sometimes my brain doesn’t listen to me and does it anyway. My voice being what it is isn’t helping either…

I was able to get said documentation, BTW, through emailing the office.

I have my next Remicade treatment next week and I have to remember to get my blood-work for it on Monday so they can have it on the day of my infusion on Wednesday. I got my own bed in a private room last time, which was nice. All the regular chairs were taken. Maybe I can get a bed again if I’m lucky.
snapdragon76: (Tamaki and Haruhi)
I do have a year in review post coming, but it's taking me longer to put together than I thought, so it'll get posted whenever I have a chance.

Classes start on Thursday, and I'm trying not to go into panic mode about it. My Anxiety does not like doing new, unknown things and so it has to start showing up about now. I think once I get my new routine in place, things will calm down. A primary concern is money related, of course. I decided that I needed to have some money in order to get books and supplies and such since my GA position only covers tuition. I'm pretty sure I filled out everything I was supposed to, but I haven't heard anything about dispersal as of yet, and it's starting to worry me a little since I need to get books and supplies before Thursday.

I also haven't heard back about when and what time I start my GA job. I just love all of this bureaucracy involved in going to Grad School. I just have to keep focused and hope that it'll all pay off in the end. I email my professors to keep them in the loop, which is basically all I can do at this point. I had to fill out a paper in regards to the status of my residency. Most likely because since the school is paying for my tuition, they want to do it at a lower cost with me as an 'in-state' resident.

And February will be ten years since I started this journal. Looking back, it's interesting to see my growth as a person and a 'writer' of sorts. I may do something to commemorate as of yet, but I don't know what.

I did finally get to see Frozen and The Hobbit 2 a few weeks ago. I really liked both of them and will likely see them again at some point.

I still plan on sending out New Year letters, once I get my student loan and can afford to print them off, that is. I also hope to get my car tuned up and possibly a new washer and dryer since our old ones are shot. I know it's not 'technically' a school related expense, but clean clothes are an important priority, I think.

I also hope to be able to find a decent health insurance, either through the school or independent company since I need to restart my Remicade treatment again. I've been lucky enough that I haven't had any major health issues (aside from the pneumonia a few months ago), so I haven't needed to seek medical treatment. My medications seem to be doing the trick, I just hope I can get coverage before I run out. I just LOVE the healthcare issues in this country, but I'm not gonna get into that here.

I'm trying to find more time to read than I have been, since I miss it and there are a lot of books I'd like to catch up on, not to mention the school related reading I'll have to do. Frankly, I wish I had more time to do a lot more things, but I don't and I have to try and deal with it as best that I can.

It's late and I should get to bed probably. I'll try to work on the YIR post I've been working on so I can finally get it posted and to also take down the Christmas decorations once and for all.
◾ Tags:
snapdragon76: <3 Kenshin! (Kenshin)
Well, I know I said in my last post that I had a bad case of bronchitis. Turns out, it was much worse. I have full blown pneumonia.

After all of the hullabaloo at the Urgent Care Center, I was still coughing by the end of the week and all the antibiotics I was taking were doing was giving me diarrhea, so mom and I went on Monday to the Urgent Care place we had originally wanted to go to (but didn't since they were closed). I was still examined by a Nurse Practitioner, but this one seemed to be a bit more on the ball than the previous one.

She listened to my chest and then had me take a chest x-ray, which was why mom had wanted me to go there in the first place. After waiting for what seemed to be an eternity for the results, she came in and declared I most definitely had pneumonia. She described it as a communal case, which means I got it while being surrounded by a massive crowd of people.

So, yes. Dragon*Con gave me pneumonia...

She prescribed some Levaquin as well as an inhaler and a cough suppressant. My insurance paid for the Levaquin... not so much for the others. So I had to make do.

I took one of the Levaquin as soon as I got home, and by the evening, I felt a marked improvement. Not enough where I could try to Skype my dad for his birthday yesterday since I kept losing my voice and unable to speak much above a whisper lest my lungs start bitching me out.

However, this was not the end of the happy fun times. Oh no. I woke up this morning with a nice bright rash all over my chest, arms, neck and face. Guess I'm allergic to the Levaquin. Luckily this rash doesn't itch like the one I got when I was on Diflucan. It's still rather an annoyance. The NP wanted me to come back in a couple of days anyway for a bit of a follow-up. Good thing, too. I could get my meds switched... again, and deal with this rash I now have.

So, luckily my insurance WILL cover the new meds and I get to take Benadryl for the next few days to try and be rid of the rash. I swear to God, this thing better be resolved soon. My health and I are not the best of friends right at this moment. Plus, it's officially Autumn now, and there are fun things to do on the horizon. Like Fall Festivals and corn mazes and pumpkin patches to romp through!

Hopefully all of this home care will prevent me from winding up in the hospital, because I definitely don't wanna be stuck with the bill for THAT!

On the school front, there are only a few things I need to do before I can officially hand in my application for the Spring 2014 semester. I'm hoping that things will fall into place since I don't really have much of a back-up plan unless get another dead end job that I loathe.

I guess it's a good thing I'm not working now since I've been practically bedridden for almost two weeks and now I look like I have the Plague.

I love my life...
snapdragon76: from the New Moon trailer.  (Fursplode!)
Having a chronic illness that needs to have expensive medical treatments really sucks sometimes. I've been unemployed for over a month now, and while it's been nice having the time off and everything, not having medical insurance really bites. This is one reason why I support a nationwide medical care like many countries have. Yes, I know it has it's own issues and all of that stuff, but why does it have to be so hard to get decent medical care for people who are unemployed, self-employed, full time students ect?

Sorry, didn't mean to complain. I don't have any regrets moving here. I love the area. I love our home. I'm just worried I'm going to have to settle for a dead-end job that I'm miserable in just so I can have health benefits. I know I need to have patience and trust in God to lead me in the direction He wants me to go, but faith and anxiety issues don't go well together.

Ideally, I'd like to work at the college so that I can be on campus for classes and such, but there is nothing for someone like me in a non-faculty office position. At least, nothing that I've found so far. It'll be hard enough to go to school full time as well as work full time. I know people who are able to do it and I think it's wonderful! However, sometimes I have the attention span of a fruit fly and find it hard to focus a lot. Plus, I don't do well under a lot of pressure. When I was an undergrad, it was easier because 1. I was younger then, 2. I didn't have the health issues I do now, and 3. I wasn't working. That made things easier.

I do think this is something I'm supposed to be doing, but time is ticking away and I need to find something to be able to support myself on. I'm really trying not to stress out too much about it, but it's easier said than done.

Otherwise, things are coming together. I've gotten more of my room set up and the living and dining rooms are looking like actual living spaces and not a box depot. We're slowly working on the stuff in the garage. Mom and I put a bunch of boxes of books (mostly mine) down in the basement. It's nice to have an actual basement. There are still more things to go down there, but the main focus is the main part of the house so that maybe we can actually have people over sometime.

We got our car tags and drivers licenses the other day, so we're 'officially' Tennesseans. Of course, to be counted as a resident for school, you have to live here for a year. *facepalm*

I got a new battery for my car, so maybe it will stop dying on me. I have a few things from the move still in there that I hope to be able to take out before I drive it too much. Maybe I can figure out a place to put some of it once we get more organized.

I'll try to be more positive in my next post. Honestly.
snapdragon76: (Tamaki and Haruhi)
Sorry I've been so sporadic with my posting on here. My depression sometimes tells me why I even bother since hardly anyone reads it, but I know a few of you still do, so I appreciate it.

Health wise things seem to be getting better. I still have a few problem areas, but otherwise I'm doing good overall. Maybe now that we're getting into fall, things will get even better. I do know there are those out there who have it worse than I do, so I guess I'm appreciative for that at least.

Things at work are actually pretty good. I think it's partially because I'm working on changing my overall attitude to try and become a better person. I don't want to be the kind of person who holds onto all of the petty crap and bitterness that happened in the past. It does nothing but hold you back keeping you from moving forward with your life. It won't always be easy, but it's worth it to try.

I also think it helps with the fact that my co-worker that had the most issues with everything is no longer there and not feeding into the situation. I still keep in contact with her and we're still friends and all and I value that friendship, but she's a bit anti-social and misanthropic. So since she's not at work anymore, it helps to stay focused on other stuff and not get dragged down by the little unimportant things.

There's still heavy talk of a buyout, but some of us had a meeting with our supervisor last week and the subject was addressed. It seems for the most part that our department will most likely stay intact. My boss reasons that since we have the more advanced computer system, that it would be foolish to get rid of people who have been using it for awhile and are familiar with it. And since we'll be implementing a new data entry system (which will take a few years to be fully operational) that we'd still be needed. Now, granted this is all guessing, but it still gives me some relief to say the least.

Mom and I are prepping for our vacation in three weeks. I'm so excited! We're going to be in Tennessee and see the fall colors and the beautiful mountains and the crisp air. It's gonna be very hard for me to go back. Especially since more friends of ours moved up there this weekend. I keep hoping and praying that the opportunity will arise for us to make the move up there once and for all. Hopefully...

I finished my reread of Furuba yesterday. I still get the warm fuzzies when I read the last chapter. I have such affection for this series as well as the friends I met through it that it makes me smile every time. I may reread my Ouran series next, even though I'm missing the first ten books. I hope to be able to acquire them at some point in time. Either that or High School Debut, another shoujo series that I find cute and charming. I haven't made up my mind yet.

Well, happy fall everyone! Enjoy the changing of the leaves, the cooler air, pumpkin flavored everything and the coming holidays!
snapdragon76: My Chinese Zodiac sign (Japanese dragon)
Well, I'm still having some health issues. this has been a really crappy summer thus far healthwise.

I saw the Endocrinologist last week. He was very personable and helpful. He did a physical exam and said things looked good in that regard, but the elevated THS could be a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain and had me do some blood work. I haven't heard the results yet.

I still have some infections that I'm dealing with, but to my continued annoyance. It's not nearly as bad as it was, but I'd still like things to be back to they way it was before this whole adventure. I no longer have the rash, but I'm still dealing with dry skin. And now the dermatitis on my face has returned with a vengeance and now I feel like a lizard. I might as well put a bag on my head and be done with it all.

We're going to be leaving for vacation in a couple of weeks and I highly excited about it. We're off to Tennessee and I know it'll be fabulous! I love the area and am looking forward to the fall colors and cooler weather. Mom and I still have some stuff to do before we leave, so we're working on that.

People at work seem to be jumping ship left and right. We lost three people that I know of just in the past few weeks. I don't know if they're leaving due to the buy out or not. I know we'll be downsized, so that might be part of the reason people are leaving, but as for me I'm not going anywhere mostly because I have nowhere to go. I am worried that I might lose my job and what I'd do if that happens, but I'm not gonna stress out about it until I know for sure.

I've recently been rereading my Furuba manga. It takes me back so much. I rewatched the anime as well, but nothing compares to the original manga. I almost forgot how much I adore this series. Through it I've made so many of my friends that I still have, so it'll always be special to me.