.:reflections of twilight:.

The wonderful world of living with Anxiety. For a lot of people, they have concerns about certain things. For me, and many others with Anxiety, it ramps up. Right now, I'm feeling so much Anxiety about what will happen to me in the future. It's 24/7 all the time. I have so much going through my mind, like: Will I find a job? Will it pay well? Will I have to move? If I do, how will I afford it? Will I find a place in a nice area? Will I need to get a newer car? Will mom have to come with me? Will she be able to manage without my car? Will I do well in my new job? Will the students like me? Will my co-workers like me? And etc...

The meds I take do help, believe it or not. Without them, the feelings would be a lot more intense and overwhelming. As it is, they're still there, but not at the forefront of everything else. And they help with my Depression as well.

I know it seems like a lot to dump out all at once, but I think once you see it in black and white, it helps clarify things sometimes. Plus, it can be a way of looking back and reflecting. I just hope that I can be successful as an adult after all...

I do have a year in review post coming, but it's taking me longer to put together than I thought, so it'll get posted whenever I have a chance.

Classes start on Thursday, and I'm trying not to go into panic mode about it. My Anxiety does not like doing new, unknown things and so it has to start showing up about now. I think once I get my new routine in place, things will calm down. A primary concern is money related, of course. I decided that I needed to have some money in order to get books and supplies and such since my GA position only covers tuition. I'm pretty sure I filled out everything I was supposed to, but I haven't heard anything about dispersal as of yet, and it's starting to worry me a little since I need to get books and supplies before Thursday.

I also haven't heard back about when and what time I start my GA job. I just love all of this bureaucracy involved in going to Grad School. I just have to keep focused and hope that it'll all pay off in the end. I email my professors to keep them in the loop, which is basically all I can do at this point. I had to fill out a paper in regards to the status of my residency. Most likely because since the school is paying for my tuition, they want to do it at a lower cost with me as an 'in-state' resident.

And February will be ten years since I started this journal. Looking back, it's interesting to see my growth as a person and a 'writer' of sorts. I may do something to commemorate as of yet, but I don't know what.

I did finally get to see Frozen and The Hobbit 2 a few weeks ago. I really liked both of them and will likely see them again at some point.

I still plan on sending out New Year letters, once I get my student loan and can afford to print them off, that is. I also hope to get my car tuned up and possibly a new washer and dryer since our old ones are shot. I know it's not 'technically' a school related expense, but clean clothes are an important priority, I think.

I also hope to be able to find a decent health insurance, either through the school or independent company since I need to restart my Remicade treatment again. I've been lucky enough that I haven't had any major health issues (aside from the pneumonia a few months ago), so I haven't needed to seek medical treatment. My medications seem to be doing the trick, I just hope I can get coverage before I run out. I just LOVE the healthcare issues in this country, but I'm not gonna get into that here.

I'm trying to find more time to read than I have been, since I miss it and there are a lot of books I'd like to catch up on, not to mention the school related reading I'll have to do. Frankly, I wish I had more time to do a lot more things, but I don't and I have to try and deal with it as best that I can.

It's late and I should get to bed probably. I'll try to work on the YIR post I've been working on so I can finally get it posted and to also take down the Christmas decorations once and for all.

Having a chronic illness that needs to have expensive medical treatments really sucks sometimes. I've been unemployed for over a month now, and while it's been nice having the time off and everything, not having medical insurance really bites. This is one reason why I support a nationwide medical care like many countries have. Yes, I know it has it's own issues and all of that stuff, but why does it have to be so hard to get decent medical care for people who are unemployed, self-employed, full time students ect?

Sorry, didn't mean to complain. I don't have any regrets moving here. I love the area. I love our home. I'm just worried I'm going to have to settle for a dead-end job that I'm miserable in just so I can have health benefits. I know I need to have patience and trust in God to lead me in the direction He wants me to go, but faith and anxiety issues don't go well together.

Ideally, I'd like to work at the college so that I can be on campus for classes and such, but there is nothing for someone like me in a non-faculty office position. At least, nothing that I've found so far. It'll be hard enough to go to school full time as well as work full time. I know people who are able to do it and I think it's wonderful! However, sometimes I have the attention span of a fruit fly and find it hard to focus a lot. Plus, I don't do well under a lot of pressure. When I was an undergrad, it was easier because 1. I was younger then, 2. I didn't have the health issues I do now, and 3. I wasn't working. That made things easier.

I do think this is something I'm supposed to be doing, but time is ticking away and I need to find something to be able to support myself on. I'm really trying not to stress out too much about it, but it's easier said than done.

Otherwise, things are coming together. I've gotten more of my room set up and the living and dining rooms are looking like actual living spaces and not a box depot. We're slowly working on the stuff in the garage. Mom and I put a bunch of boxes of books (mostly mine) down in the basement. It's nice to have an actual basement. There are still more things to go down there, but the main focus is the main part of the house so that maybe we can actually have people over sometime.

We got our car tags and drivers licenses the other day, so we're 'officially' Tennesseans. Of course, to be counted as a resident for school, you have to live here for a year. *facepalm*

I got a new battery for my car, so maybe it will stop dying on me. I have a few things from the move still in there that I hope to be able to take out before I drive it too much. Maybe I can figure out a place to put some of it once we get more organized.

I'll try to be more positive in my next post. Honestly.

Well, I'm still having some health issues. this has been a really crappy summer thus far healthwise.

I saw the Endocrinologist last week. He was very personable and helpful. He did a physical exam and said things looked good in that regard, but the elevated THS could be a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain and had me do some blood work. I haven't heard the results yet.

I still have some infections that I'm dealing with, but to my continued annoyance. It's not nearly as bad as it was, but I'd still like things to be back to they way it was before this whole adventure. I no longer have the rash, but I'm still dealing with dry skin. And now the dermatitis on my face has returned with a vengeance and now I feel like a lizard. I might as well put a bag on my head and be done with it all.

We're going to be leaving for vacation in a couple of weeks and I highly excited about it. We're off to Tennessee and I know it'll be fabulous! I love the area and am looking forward to the fall colors and cooler weather. Mom and I still have some stuff to do before we leave, so we're working on that.

People at work seem to be jumping ship left and right. We lost three people that I know of just in the past few weeks. I don't know if they're leaving due to the buy out or not. I know we'll be downsized, so that might be part of the reason people are leaving, but as for me I'm not going anywhere mostly because I have nowhere to go. I am worried that I might lose my job and what I'd do if that happens, but I'm not gonna stress out about it until I know for sure.

I've recently been rereading my Furuba manga. It takes me back so much. I rewatched the anime as well, but nothing compares to the original manga. I almost forgot how much I adore this series. Through it I've made so many of my friends that I still have, so it'll always be special to me.