.:reflections of twilight:.

I am sick and tired of being the Universe's butt monkey. We're losing our cable and internet access this week due to the fact that neither mom nor I have enough money to pay for it. The cable I can deal with, but with no internet access, I'm even more cut off from the world than I normally am. I mean, I can't check my emails, use YouTube or Netflix. I can't even access my DVR. It sucks. I mean, how is this my life now? I was supposed to be working as a librarian by now, and here I am, stuck living at home, barely able to scrape by. I've been living hand to mouth for way too long. I'm 40 years old, dammit! I'm supposed to be living like an adult!

I honestly don't understand why life keeps shitting on me over and over and over again. All I want is a basic, simple kind of life. A home of my own, financial independence, a career I'm happy with, maybe some time to travel and pursue some of my hobbies. Not this perpetual cycle of bullshit.

I'm mostly angry at myself. I mean, if I had a job by now, I could contribute more to the household and maybe we wouldn't be struggling just to find food to eat or trying to pay our bills like normal people. And this whole cycle has done a major number on my mental health. I've had more dips in my mood these past few months than I ever have since being diagnosed with Depression. It might be partially environmental, but I dunno if my brain chemistry has changed or not. I can't go to the doctor's to find out since apparently we're persona non grata amongst our small group of friends and we can't get rides anywhere.

I can see why people who are poor can sometimes think they're being punished. I get that feeling sometimes myself. I don't know what we're being punished for. If this is because I've started drifting away from my faith than I'm not even sure I want to be a part of a faith that advocates punishing their followers in such a way.

So, needless to say, my activities online will be limited for awhile. I still have my phone, but I don't know how much my data plan will support my activities until we can get back online. I'm going to try to do as much as I can today while I still have access.

Some birthday, huh?

This has been a rough 24 hours for me. I never heard back from the school I interviewed with and that usually tells me that they decided to hire someone else. A phone call or an email would've still been nice instead of leaving me hanging. It just doesn't seem very professional to do that to someone who applied for a position with you.

So another rejection triggered a major depressive episode that I still haven't fully recovered from. Being plagued with self-doubt with a smidgen of self-loathing sprinkled in isn't the best way to spend an evening. On top of all of this, the online company I was working for decided to cancel my contract with them because apparently, I wasn't rating things as perfectly as they would've liked me too. Although the email they sent was pretty nice, praising my professionalism through it all.

I did think that the end of this job meant an opening for a library position somewhere, but I guess not. I decided to step away from my social media accounts for a little while until I've fully dealt with this latest episode. Plus, I got tired of people trying to tell me how to handle my rejection. Just because something worked for one person, doesn't mean it'll work for me. I will send an email to the principal saying I appreciated him taking time out of his day to interview me (and others).

I may try to look for another online job in something like proofreading or something. I'll give myself a little bit of a break before I do, though...

Today was kind of a bad day today. I'm feeling very frustrated with the job prospects out there and while most of the time I try to remain positive, today everything just came to a head and all of my emotions kind of came to the forefront. I try not to angst too much on social media, but it kind of all came out and now I'm worried people will think I'm just being a complainer.

I know people mean well, but sometimes the advice they give isn't really all that helpful. Like a few are saying that I need to try substitute teaching or something. I don't want to teach. I want to work in the library. If I wanted to teach, I would've become a teacher. My social anxiety prevents me from doing it. Others are saying I should broaden my search to outside the library. And do what? I have a degree in being a school librarian.

I don't even know anymore. Mom keeps saying to hang in there and that God has a plan and a place for me. I'm not seeing it. I wish that I could know something about what's going on. It's frustrating. No one wants to take a chance on me. You pretty much have to know someone or have been in the education field for someone to hire you. What about those of us who wanted a career change outside of education? Where is our place? Why won't you hire us? Give us a chance?

I hate not knowing and all of this uncertainty. I keep saying about all of the things I want to do once I get a 'full time job' but I don't know if that will happen now.

I have this mass of emotions roiling around inside me and it won’t go away.

I gotta say, Depression really sucks sometimes. Most of the time I’m doing just fine and then I get hit upside the head with a depressive episode and things get bleak all at once.

I feel like I’m at some sort of crossroads or something. I can’t explain it, really. I know I’m returning to school to get my Master’s degree and that’s a good goal and everything, but I still can’t shake this gloomy feeling. Maybe once classes resume and I’ll have something to do to occupy my time it’ll be better.

I also feel like I’m losing connections with my friends, especially the ones I have here. On one hand, one set of friends has busy lives that they’re living and no matter how much we try to connect, it never happens. On the other hand, another set of friends seems to be cutting people out of their lives altogether, which is bothersome in and of itself. I mean if we did something to offend you or something, come out and say it. Don’t be passive/aggressive about it. Let me know for God’s sake!!

I know I need to ‘get out there’ and ‘make new friends’ but it’s not that easy for someone like me who is shy and introverted. It’s hard for me to put myself out there like that.

Another thing that is grinding at me is a massive case of cabin fever. I’m stuck inside my house practically 24/7 since I have no money to go anywhere or do anything (even the free stuff takes gas to get there) and mom doesn’t seem to even be trying to find another job somewhere, and we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. I love my mom a lot, but when you’re stuck inside with someone, it gets to be a little annoying. I know she’s not thrilled with the prospect of having to work until she’s past retirement age, but it’s a necessary evil. And she seems to have no desire to even look, despite the fact that she was given a few leads to look into.

I can’t say anything for risk of hurting her feelings or sounding like I’m nagging or getting on her case and all of that crap. I’m at least making an effort to find another GA position somewhere. What has she done?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this on here since no one even reads this journal anymore. Maybe I just need to vent and get things out of my system. I’d hate to think that all people think I do is to try to garner sympathy. I dunno. Maybe I am.

Ugh, feeling another emotional downswing right now. I just have to ride it out until it passes like usual. It kinda sucks though. Still, it’s not as bad as it has been in the past. While at my worst I’ve never felt suicidal, I have felt like I wish I’d never been born. But those were pretty rare occasions I gotta admit, thankfully. I mean, there was one time where I just laid on the bathroom floor crying, but that was only once and I haven’t felt like that in a few years now.

The medication I’m on does help, even though one of them does make me pretty drowsy. I mean, I’m not a total zombie or anything, but it does make it hard for me to wake up in the mornings. I’ve adjusted my medication as much as I can, so there’s not too much that can be done about it. At least I can still function on a day to day basis.

Sorry for putting this out there and all, but that’s the function of a journal really. Writing out your feelings and learning to cope and stuff. Sometimes just writing things out and seeing it in black and white helps you to deal with it and to recover fairly quickly. Kinda therapeutic in a way. Plus, you have something to look back on and say to yourself, ‘Wow, I was really feeling pretty low then.’

But, I have so much to look forward to, so I fully intend on sticking around. I never planned otherwise. Besides, my parents already lost one child, I’m not gonna deprive them of another. That would just be stupid and selfish. My life is pretty decent, I gotta say. I got friends and family who think I’m pretty ok. I just gotta keep that in the back of my mind on the low times.

See ya around! See, I’m starting to feel a little bit better already!