snapdragon76: My Chinese Zodiac sign (Japanese dragon)
I sometimes wonder if I annoy people by talking so much about my depression. Maybe that in itself is my depression talking. It seems to be getting slightly worse, what with the job hunt going on and facing rejection after rejection. Most people brush it off and move on. For me, it seems so much worse. Like, maybe there is something about me that is inherently unhireable about me. Maybe I'm simply supposed to live a life of poverty for the rest of my life.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It sucks. And while I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, a part of me has wished to die. More than once. I know therapy might help, but I don't know if I can afford it or not. Maybe I need a medication change. I might discuss it with my GP when I see her at the end of the month.

It's hereditary. My dad has depression and I think my mom might have it as well, but she doesn't seem to want to admit it.

I interviewed for a part-time job at the library in a neighboring town. It's something I'd be good at and that I'd like to do. It'd give me the much-needed experience that other employers seem to think I lack. But, I don't know if I'll get it. It seems that no one wants me to work for them and why should this be any different. People keep saying they'll “pray for me” or that “God will put me where I'm supposed to be.” Bullshit. I don't know if I believe that anymore. I wonder why I seem to be clutching so desperately to a belief that hasn't been doing me much good lately. All those people who seem to say that we bring this all on ourselves because our faith isn't strong enough can go straight to hell. Or maybe not. If I'm destined for the Dark Doorway, maybe I don't want to see them down there with me.

Maybe al of the posts I do documenting my depressive episodes are a cry for attention. Maybe I just want to see if anyone out there still cares.
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August 2017

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