snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Default)
I’ve been trying to do more paper journaling as a way to dump out a lot of my feelings as they happen so that I can find ways to deal with them. Needless to say, I’ve been writing a lot. It’s this whole damn job situation.

Naturally, I’m plagued with tons of self-doubt and all kinds of crap. I’m beginning to think that I may have made of made a mistake in changing my career. No one seems to want to hire me in any capacity. I keep thinking I’m being punished for something for some reason. I don’t know what.

It’s not like I’m asking to be a millionaire. I just want a comfortable life. A job I enjoy, a home of my own, a car, planning for the future, good health, and enough to be able to enjoy my hobbies. Just like everyone else. How hard is that?

I’m starting to feel resentful for those who tell me that God has a plan for me. Is that so? I wish He’d let me in on it. I’m sick and tired of feeling this way. I’m sick and tired of not being able to even get a new pair of glasses. Of not being able to get my teeth fixed. Of not being able to even get my hair cut. I mean, is this supposed to be my purpose in life? Karma’s punching bag?!

I try not to bleed out my feelings onto social media too much. Which is one of the reasons I keep an offline journal. Still, sometimes I do and I hope others don’t think that I’m trying to elicit sympathy or something. I dunno…

I’m trying to distract myself by knitting and reading and coloring and stuff like that. It helps, but it’s not a cure. I do take meds, but I don’t know if they are as effective as they once were.

I’m mostly posting this to keep those of you who still read this updated on what’s been going on. Pretty much the same as ever. Nothing looks to change anytime soon.
snapdragon76: Starlight by Muse (starlight)
I am sick and tired of being the Universe's butt monkey. We're losing our cable and internet access this week due to the fact that neither mom nor I have enough money to pay for it. The cable I can deal with, but with no internet access, I'm even more cut off from the world than I normally am. I mean, I can't check my emails, use YouTube or Netflix. I can't even access my DVR. It sucks. I mean, how is this my life now? I was supposed to be working as a librarian by now, and here I am, stuck living at home, barely able to scrape by. I've been living hand to mouth for way too long. I'm 40 years old, dammit! I'm supposed to be living like an adult!

I honestly don't understand why life keeps shitting on me over and over and over again. All I want is a basic, simple kind of life. A home of my own, financial independence, a career I'm happy with, maybe some time to travel and pursue some of my hobbies. Not this perpetual cycle of bullshit.

I'm mostly angry at myself. I mean, if I had a job by now, I could contribute more to the household and maybe we wouldn't be struggling just to find food to eat or trying to pay our bills like normal people. And this whole cycle has done a major number on my mental health. I've had more dips in my mood these past few months than I ever have since being diagnosed with Depression. It might be partially environmental, but I dunno if my brain chemistry has changed or not. I can't go to the doctor's to find out since apparently we're persona non grata amongst our small group of friends and we can't get rides anywhere.

I can see why people who are poor can sometimes think they're being punished. I get that feeling sometimes myself. I don't know what we're being punished for. If this is because I've started drifting away from my faith than I'm not even sure I want to be a part of a faith that advocates punishing their followers in such a way.

So, needless to say, my activities online will be limited for awhile. I still have my phone, but I don't know how much my data plan will support my activities until we can get back online. I'm going to try to do as much as I can today while I still have access.

Some birthday, huh?
snapdragon76: My Chinese Zodiac sign (Japanese dragon)
I sometimes wonder if I annoy people by talking so much about my depression. Maybe that in itself is my depression talking. It seems to be getting slightly worse, what with the job hunt going on and facing rejection after rejection. Most people brush it off and move on. For me, it seems so much worse. Like, maybe there is something about me that is inherently unhireable about me. Maybe I'm simply supposed to live a life of poverty for the rest of my life.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It sucks. And while I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, a part of me has wished to die. More than once. I know therapy might help, but I don't know if I can afford it or not. Maybe I need a medication change. I might discuss it with my GP when I see her at the end of the month.

It's hereditary. My dad has depression and I think my mom might have it as well, but she doesn't seem to want to admit it.

I interviewed for a part-time job at the library in a neighboring town. It's something I'd be good at and that I'd like to do. It'd give me the much-needed experience that other employers seem to think I lack. But, I don't know if I'll get it. It seems that no one wants me to work for them and why should this be any different. People keep saying they'll “pray for me” or that “God will put me where I'm supposed to be.” Bullshit. I don't know if I believe that anymore. I wonder why I seem to be clutching so desperately to a belief that hasn't been doing me much good lately. All those people who seem to say that we bring this all on ourselves because our faith isn't strong enough can go straight to hell. Or maybe not. If I'm destined for the Dark Doorway, maybe I don't want to see them down there with me.

Maybe al of the posts I do documenting my depressive episodes are a cry for attention. Maybe I just want to see if anyone out there still cares.
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Default)
Things at work are going from bad to worse. My friend Jenn just told me that starting tomorrow she's going on medical leave for an indefinite amount of time. Things in there have gotten that bad.

And I hate it.

I hate everything about it. I hate the bitches in there that are too childish, petty, immature and spiteful to suck it up and act like mature adults and follow the rules like everyone else has to. I hate that my boss seems to not want to do anything about it which only escalates the situation. I hate the fact that the only real friend I have in there is being driven away and I can't even say good bye to her.

There's another data entry position available in another department in another location and I'm going to apply for it first thing tomorrow morning. Then I'm going to tell my boss exactly why. I don't know if it will make much of a difference or not, but I feel this is what I need to do in order to save my sanity and my very well being itself.

Hopefully I will be able to transfer and leave the drama and stupid kindergarten crap all behind me. I spend the majority of my time at work and that is not something I need to be faced with each time.

If I was really lucky, I'd be able to move out of this godforsaken state altogether. That may not be possible for awhile though.
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Amon 'Bitch Please' (rocknlobster))
Yesterday was just stressful. It started off good, but then it quickly turned to crap.

It started when I went to Whattaburger to get lunch. I generally don't like to go through the drive thru since it tends to be a bit slow. Well, yesterday, I had to get behind this woman who must've had this huge order, because it was taking much longer than usual to get it filled. Well, my car is one that doesn't like to idle for a long period of time. It starts to get hot. And it was doing just that as I was waiting. I mean, by the time I got to the window, the guy was very polite and explained the situation to me, but I was hardly in the mood to really care. I did my best not to show it, however.

Anyway, after I got my food, I was going home, and my car was starting to smoke a little. I didn't overly panic, because I knew once I got going, it would begin to cool down (strange, but true). Then I got home and started looking for the rest of the clothes I was planning on wearing to the job fair at mom's work. I didn't find them at my grandmothers which is where I have my nicer clothes stored, so I naturally thought I just didn't take them back after I had worn them on Christmas. Nope. They weren't here, either. So that meant I had no idea where my nice pair of pants were. So that also meant I couldn't go to the job fair. To top things off, I tried to call mom, but no one was picking up, which just furthered my annoyance. Eventually I did reach her and so I explained the situation to her and she let me off the hook as long as I went to the HR department at her office at some point, to which I agreed.

But, yesterday wasn't a total loss. I was able to pick up a few manga. Four in fact. 'Rurouni Kenshin 23, 'Samurai Deeper Kyo 17, 'Absolute Boyfriend' 1 and 'Kamikaze Girls.' I also picked up a Moleskine pocket notebook and a heavy weight pen to use on it. I blame [ profile] cleolinda for piquing my interest in these notebooks after an entry she posted on her blog. I love all sorts of notebooky things.

Today is laundry day and I have to take grandma to her volunteering thing as well as who knows what else. Mom put more coolant in my car, so hopefully it'll be OK.

Trivia of the day: In Russia, imported American hot dogs are big favorites. They are eaten at lunch, dinner, and even breakfast. Wienies are often sliced lengthwise, fried in butter and dished up with bread, cheese, and smoked fish. In 1996, Russian imports of American cured-meat products totaled nearly $76 million.

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