snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Default)
I’ve been trying to do more paper journaling as a way to dump out a lot of my feelings as they happen so that I can find ways to deal with them. Needless to say, I’ve been writing a lot. It’s this whole damn job situation.

Naturally, I’m plagued with tons of self-doubt and all kinds of crap. I’m beginning to think that I may have made of made a mistake in changing my career. No one seems to want to hire me in any capacity. I keep thinking I’m being punished for something for some reason. I don’t know what.

It’s not like I’m asking to be a millionaire. I just want a comfortable life. A job I enjoy, a home of my own, a car, planning for the future, good health, and enough to be able to enjoy my hobbies. Just like everyone else. How hard is that?

I’m starting to feel resentful for those who tell me that God has a plan for me. Is that so? I wish He’d let me in on it. I’m sick and tired of feeling this way. I’m sick and tired of not being able to even get a new pair of glasses. Of not being able to get my teeth fixed. Of not being able to even get my hair cut. I mean, is this supposed to be my purpose in life? Karma’s punching bag?!

I try not to bleed out my feelings onto social media too much. Which is one of the reasons I keep an offline journal. Still, sometimes I do and I hope others don’t think that I’m trying to elicit sympathy or something. I dunno…

I’m trying to distract myself by knitting and reading and coloring and stuff like that. It helps, but it’s not a cure. I do take meds, but I don’t know if they are as effective as they once were.

I’m mostly posting this to keep those of you who still read this updated on what’s been going on. Pretty much the same as ever. Nothing looks to change anytime soon.
snapdragon76: Did I mention that I like reading? (books)
Wow. It's been awhile since I posted on here.

I don't think 2016 is gonna be my year. Well, so far, 2016 hasn't been a great year all around. I'm thinking more professionally on my account. Despite many efforts, I haven't had any job bites so far. The school year will be starting soon and at this point, I don't think it's gonna happen. I've been trying to keep my hopes up and my options open, but it's been for nothing. Maybe I should take the first thing that's offered to me instead of holding out for something I really want. Hey, what's being unhappy over a steady income? I never knew that trying to find a job would be this difficult, at least for me. Others who graduated already have jobs. Maybe I'm just a loser who no one wants to hire...

Sorry, got a little dark there. People keep giving unsolicited advice to me, like maybe I need to volunteer somewhere. While that would be nice, I can't give up my paying part-time job. Maybe I should. I mean, who needs to pay for food and bills and the like?

This whole job search isn't good for my mental health, I gotta say...

The extra income is nice for one thing: I can go out and do some more things other than staying home all the time. Not just going to the bookstore and the like, but some of the summer programs that the area has. So, there's that I guess.

I'm gonna stop here before I depress myself further.
snapdragon76: My Chinese Zodiac sign (Japanese dragon)
The wonderful world of living with Anxiety. For a lot of people, they have concerns about certain things. For me, and many others with Anxiety, it ramps up. Right now, I'm feeling so much Anxiety about what will happen to me in the future. It's 24/7 all the time. I have so much going through my mind, like: Will I find a job? Will it pay well? Will I have to move? If I do, how will I afford it? Will I find a place in a nice area? Will I need to get a newer car? Will mom have to come with me? Will she be able to manage without my car? Will I do well in my new job? Will the students like me? Will my co-workers like me? And etc...

The meds I take do help, believe it or not. Without them, the feelings would be a lot more intense and overwhelming. As it is, they're still there, but not at the forefront of everything else. And they help with my Depression as well.

I know it seems like a lot to dump out all at once, but I think once you see it in black and white, it helps clarify things sometimes. Plus, it can be a way of looking back and reflecting. I just hope that I can be successful as an adult after all...
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Al & Ed photograph (sleepdebtfairy))
I don't know why my modem and/or router likes to go funky sometimes. Mostly it's the modem. The little light blinks on and off sometimes and I have to unplug it and then plug it back in. It's a mite frustrating sometimes...

I still haven't heard anything re: employment. I left a message for the lady whom I interviewed with since she doesn't work on Friday's. I'm going to call again later on today. I'm getting frustrated.

Not much to report on this weekend. We did eventually end up watching Narnia on Friday with plenty of time to spare so we could watch NUMB3RS afterwards.

Saturday we did hardly anything at all. I was online most of the time and mom was going through her genealogy stuff. Better she does it, because once she passes, it won't get done. Not by me at any rate. I mean, I'll put in names of my children and grandchildren (if I ever have any, that is), but that's about it.

Sunday we went to church and then to the grocery store. I broke down and got some DVD's I'd been wanting. The FMA movie, the latest InuYasha movie and FF: Advent Children. The FMA movie was packaged with the first volume DVD of the anime, which was kinda nice.

I got my latest Netflix disks Saturday. It was the first two disks of the first season of The Golden Girls. (what? I happen to like the show, OK). Needless to say, I had a WTF moment due mostly because I was expecting the next disk of Saiyuki RELOAD, but somehow the order got mixed up in the queue. The Saiyuki ones are next...

I did watch the FMA movie on Sunday. It was pretty good. I liked it. I'll not go into detail on here in case there are some who hasn't seen it yet. I don't really feel like messing with an lj cut right now.

And for some reason, my Photobucket and ImageShack images are acting funky. I couldn't see my journal background at all (hopefully I fixed it. ETA: nope *grrr*) and I was having trouble with my avatar and sig on the ATACT forum. But it wasn't just mine, it was everyone else's as well... Strange. Today must be the day of snafu's.

I can't make anymore bishie banners or icons until 1) I get more images to use and 2) I can figure out how to be able to use my PSCS2... Stupid technical issues.

Trivia of the day: The winged hat worn by the ancient Greek god Hermes (or, in Roman mythology, Mercury) was called a "petasos."

ETA: One day until Season Three of Veronica Mars!!!
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Everwood -- Bright and Hannah (sam_phill)
Man, I'd be very surprised if I don't get an ulcer from these past few days. Usually my job is fairly stress free, but working on this e-newsletter has provided a whoooole bunch. I mean, the one I did for myself was easy due to the fact that I kept it simple and informal. The one for work is a bit more complex than that. There are a lot more pictures, links and stuff plus I have to try and focus on products that I really have no knowledge about. And there have been problems with the website. I mean, all I know how to do is access the inventory list and make the changes and additions needed. As to other stuff, I ave no clue. Needless to say, my HTML skills are severely limited. A part of me feels like "OMG, I'm so totally not going to be able to do what I was hired for!" *panic panic* It doesn't help that I'm highly anxious by nature...

Anyhoo, I actually finished my tape from last week... just in time to tape 'Veronica Mars' last night. And I must say, Bright and Hannah are just so adorable!! I freely admit to squeeing a bunch when they went on their date to the carnival. And a part of me is kinda hoping that Ephram and Amy might get back together, but I'm left in doubt. I'll just wait and see. Somehow I think Ephram isn't as over her as he'd like to think...

Quote of the day: "How we leave the world is more important than how we enter it." -- Janette Oke
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snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (SV -- Clark (tearingapart))
Well, I went yesterday and had a talk with the guy who has the guitar shop. It looks to be a good deal. I mean, since I know nothing about guitars, I'll most likely be doing the newsletter, updating the webpage and doing inventory. I can handle all that. In fact, I'd prefer to be 'behind the scenes' as it were. It's starting pay is $7.50 which is really decent. The only real question I have is just what my hours would be. The only reason I'm concerned about that is, depending on what the hours are, I'll only be able to do my onlime stuff when I get home. That in itself doesn't bother me, but I know mom says we don't spend enough time together as it is and if that were the case, we'd have even less time together. But, with me doing the stuff I'd probably be doing, maybe he'd be a bit flexible with the hours. I'll talk to him about it on Sunday.

I still haven't received my TriMax 6 yet. I'm getting annoyed.

I was a bit rushed yesterday, so I'm gonna take it slower today.

Quote of the day: "Let nothing disturb you, let nothing frighten you: everything passes away except God; God alone is sufficent." -- St. Teresa of Avila
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Gren sad (road_not_taken))
I hope everyone had a safe holiday. Me, I didn't do too much. I stayed home and had burgers on the grill and afterwards watched 'Phantom of the Opera.' Mom and I would discuss various aspects of the characters and their motivations, mostly the Phantom. It was pretty fun.

Later, Mom, grandma and I went to Pizzeria Uno for dinner. It was my fist time there. The food wasn't bad, actually.

There were people setting off fireworks in our neighborhood, so Mom and I went outside to watch some of them until the bugs started to get to us.

I'm also started to feel a little frustrated at my continued lack of employment. Mostly because my mom brought it up. I think there's been a lot of financial woes on her mind lately and I think she also probably thinks I'm lazy and unmotivated. Well, that's only partially true. I mean, I do want to work and earn some extra money so I can help around the house more. I mean, here I am, almost 30 and I'm still living at home. It can be a little disheartening.

I mean, I think about it from time to time, I just try not to dwell on it too much or else I'll depress myself...

Quote of the day: "Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting." -- Elizabeth Bibesco
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