snapdragon76: Starlight by Muse (starlight)
I am sick and tired of being the Universe's butt monkey. We're losing our cable and internet access this week due to the fact that neither mom nor I have enough money to pay for it. The cable I can deal with, but with no internet access, I'm even more cut off from the world than I normally am. I mean, I can't check my emails, use YouTube or Netflix. I can't even access my DVR. It sucks. I mean, how is this my life now? I was supposed to be working as a librarian by now, and here I am, stuck living at home, barely able to scrape by. I've been living hand to mouth for way too long. I'm 40 years old, dammit! I'm supposed to be living like an adult!

I honestly don't understand why life keeps shitting on me over and over and over again. All I want is a basic, simple kind of life. A home of my own, financial independence, a career I'm happy with, maybe some time to travel and pursue some of my hobbies. Not this perpetual cycle of bullshit.

I'm mostly angry at myself. I mean, if I had a job by now, I could contribute more to the household and maybe we wouldn't be struggling just to find food to eat or trying to pay our bills like normal people. And this whole cycle has done a major number on my mental health. I've had more dips in my mood these past few months than I ever have since being diagnosed with Depression. It might be partially environmental, but I dunno if my brain chemistry has changed or not. I can't go to the doctor's to find out since apparently we're persona non grata amongst our small group of friends and we can't get rides anywhere.

I can see why people who are poor can sometimes think they're being punished. I get that feeling sometimes myself. I don't know what we're being punished for. If this is because I've started drifting away from my faith than I'm not even sure I want to be a part of a faith that advocates punishing their followers in such a way.

So, needless to say, my activities online will be limited for awhile. I still have my phone, but I don't know how much my data plan will support my activities until we can get back online. I'm going to try to do as much as I can today while I still have access.

Some birthday, huh?
snapdragon76: Knights of Cydonia (koc_muse)
I’m going to try to make more of an effort to do regular blogging. Especially since more people will likely migrate to here from LJ (see previous post).

Sometimes it sucks being stuck inside of your own head. My moods have been pretty regular lately, so I don’t have much to complain about in general, but there are moments when my depression and anxiety like to remind me that they are still around.

I got to thinking about how I feel that my family tends to not take me seriously, especially my cousins. It doesn’t help that I’m the youngest of my cousins and so there is this tendency to still think of me as just a snot-nosed little kid, despite the fact that I’ve been an adult for over 20 years now…

I don’t think it helps that I’m not married or have children. So my opinion and insight seem to fall on deaf ears. I tend to think my mom feels the same way from time to time. Granted, I don’t have as much experience adulting as my elders, but I’m not exactly new at this. I was trying to tell my mom to sit and relax and not take her frustrations out on other objects and the like (more on why later), but she laughed me off. Like I’m still this little kid who doesn’t know better and is playing at being a grown-up.

I will say, that there are situations that make me feel as though I don’t know what I’m doing, like where I’m the only adult in a situation, but hopefully that’ll pass eventually. But, I digress…

In other news, the reason mom was so frustrated this morning was because we got a phone call from the clinic where I get my Remicade treatment saying that, since I changed doctors and they didn’t get the proper authorizations, my treatment FOR TOMORROW is canceled. Keep in mind, my appointment to establish with a new GI was THREE WEEKS AGO, and they were sent the authorization at the same time. Why didn’t they inform us of this sooner where we could’ve had more time to make arrangements, I have no idea.

So there was a lot of back and forth going on between the clinic and the insurance company about prior authorizations and much frustrations as a result. Needless to say, the end result is that I don’t get my treatment tomorrow like I need to until I contact my GI office and get into where they have privileges in case things go belly up. When that will happen, I have no idea. Hopefully, I can hang on until things get resolved. I swear, I hate the state of health care in this country, and if Trumplethinskin and his cronies get their way, it’ll only get worse. People who have mental health issues are getting worse and it’s no wonder…

Sooooo, I’m trying to be more Zen about the whole thing (and mom needs to as well), but things keep going down the crapper. Hopefully, I can survive the rest of this year…
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Default)
I have this mass of emotions roiling around inside me and it won’t go away.

I gotta say, Depression really sucks sometimes. Most of the time I’m doing just fine and then I get hit upside the head with a depressive episode and things get bleak all at once.

I feel like I’m at some sort of crossroads or something. I can’t explain it, really. I know I’m returning to school to get my Master’s degree and that’s a good goal and everything, but I still can’t shake this gloomy feeling. Maybe once classes resume and I’ll have something to do to occupy my time it’ll be better.

I also feel like I’m losing connections with my friends, especially the ones I have here. On one hand, one set of friends has busy lives that they’re living and no matter how much we try to connect, it never happens. On the other hand, another set of friends seems to be cutting people out of their lives altogether, which is bothersome in and of itself. I mean if we did something to offend you or something, come out and say it. Don’t be passive/aggressive about it. Let me know for God’s sake!!

I know I need to ‘get out there’ and ‘make new friends’ but it’s not that easy for someone like me who is shy and introverted. It’s hard for me to put myself out there like that.

Another thing that is grinding at me is a massive case of cabin fever. I’m stuck inside my house practically 24/7 since I have no money to go anywhere or do anything (even the free stuff takes gas to get there) and mom doesn’t seem to even be trying to find another job somewhere, and we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. I love my mom a lot, but when you’re stuck inside with someone, it gets to be a little annoying. I know she’s not thrilled with the prospect of having to work until she’s past retirement age, but it’s a necessary evil. And she seems to have no desire to even look, despite the fact that she was given a few leads to look into.

I can’t say anything for risk of hurting her feelings or sounding like I’m nagging or getting on her case and all of that crap. I’m at least making an effort to find another GA position somewhere. What has she done?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this on here since no one even reads this journal anymore. Maybe I just need to vent and get things out of my system. I’d hate to think that all people think I do is to try to garner sympathy. I dunno. Maybe I am.
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snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Jaina -- purple)
Well, yesterday not a lot happened to me. I swung by my aunt's because mom had forgotten some things, then I had to get some chicken broth for mom at the store. Then I went home for the rest of the day.

Mom spent most of the day recording things off of the DVR. Basically it was a task she could do while sitting in one place for a long period of time. Also she's been trying to be more disciplined with her Weight Watchers. My aunt said she'd call and check on her from time to time. *titters*

I've been angsting a bit lately, but last night I decided to just let all that's bothering me go and give it to God. It's usually easier said than done, but me worrying over it isn't doing any good whatsoever. I hope it won't be too difficult for me since worrying seems to be imprinted onto my genetic code. -_-

I don't know what today's going to be like. I think I'm going to relax some. Maybe watch some more of my MST3K DVD's that I got for Christmas. See what needs to be done around the place. What I really need to do is work some more on my Dean in Hell story for ATACT. Laziness strikes again.

Trivia of the day: The smallest U.S. state in area, west of the Mississippi River, is Hawaii.
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snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Default)
Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone!!

Is it just me, or is Britney Spears getting even more slutty? I mean I don't really care, because I never really liked her in the first place, but what about all those pre-adolescent girls who worship her? I mean what kind of impression is she leaving? *sigh* I hope my [ profile] vash_meryl my community doesn't go dead. I'd be extremely depressed. I'm trying to think of new things to post. I only had one response to my song one. I guess I just have to be patient. After all, we're not that old. *is trying to be patient*

Oh and a special thanks to my dad who gave me my one (and so far, only) comment.
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