.:reflections of twilight:.

I’m going to try to make more of an effort to do regular blogging. Especially since more people will likely migrate to here from LJ (see previous post).

Sometimes it sucks being stuck inside of your own head. My moods have been pretty regular lately, so I don’t have much to complain about in general, but there are moments when my depression and anxiety like to remind me that they are still around.

I got to thinking about how I feel that my family tends to not take me seriously, especially my cousins. It doesn’t help that I’m the youngest of my cousins and so there is this tendency to still think of me as just a snot-nosed little kid, despite the fact that I’ve been an adult for over 20 years now…

I don’t think it helps that I’m not married or have children. So my opinion and insight seem to fall on deaf ears. I tend to think my mom feels the same way from time to time. Granted, I don’t have as much experience adulting as my elders, but I’m not exactly new at this. I was trying to tell my mom to sit and relax and not take her frustrations out on other objects and the like (more on why later), but she laughed me off. Like I’m still this little kid who doesn’t know better and is playing at being a grown-up.

I will say, that there are situations that make me feel as though I don’t know what I’m doing, like where I’m the only adult in a situation, but hopefully that’ll pass eventually. But, I digress…

In other news, the reason mom was so frustrated this morning was because we got a phone call from the clinic where I get my Remicade treatment saying that, since I changed doctors and they didn’t get the proper authorizations, my treatment FOR TOMORROW is canceled. Keep in mind, my appointment to establish with a new GI was THREE WEEKS AGO, and they were sent the authorization at the same time. Why didn’t they inform us of this sooner where we could’ve had more time to make arrangements, I have no idea.

So there was a lot of back and forth going on between the clinic and the insurance company about prior authorizations and much frustrations as a result. Needless to say, the end result is that I don’t get my treatment tomorrow like I need to until I contact my GI office and get into where they have privileges in case things go belly up. When that will happen, I have no idea. Hopefully, I can hang on until things get resolved. I swear, I hate the state of health care in this country, and if Trumplethinskin and his cronies get their way, it’ll only get worse. People who have mental health issues are getting worse and it’s no wonder…

Sooooo, I’m trying to be more Zen about the whole thing (and mom needs to as well), but things keep going down the crapper. Hopefully, I can survive the rest of this year…

I've noticed an odd pattern of sorts recently. Whenever I tell someone (or they find out somehow) that I'm moving away, I always seem to get asked the same types of questions:

1. WHY?!

I understand people are curious as to why we're moving, but it's no big important reason really. Because we want to. Pure and simple. Wanting a change of pace and/or a change of scenery.

2. Do you have family up there?

I get this one a lot. Like the only reason to move is to be closer to family. I understand that's why a lot of people move, but that's not the only reason. I do say we have friends up there and that seems to be an acceptable answer. I guess they like to be reassured that we're not gonna be alone or something.

3. Do you have a job or something?

True, lots of people move due to their job relocating them, but not everyone. I think it may be easier if you do, that way the company may pay for moving expenses and you'd have an income once you move. I think that's the scariest part for me.

I'm not 'offended' or anything by people asking me these questions, but I just noticed a bit of a pattern with the line of questioning. Hell, I may ask these kinds of questions myself of people whenever I find they're moving.

Still nothing on the housing front. I'm trying not to angst about it. I just want us to be able to find something nice in a nice area for us to stay put for awhile. I mean, I don't want to find something kinda meh to transition into a better place later on. I don't want to move again for awhile if I don't have to.

I've been busy at work training the people who are going to be taking over my posting when I leave. It's a bit exhausting and time consuming to say the least. I guess I was a little bit short tempered or frustrated today because I got an email from my boss saying I need to 'get along better' with my fellow associates. I didn't realize i wasn't, but maybe I was and didn't notice or something. I dunno. I have my exit interview scheduled for the 10th at 2:30 and then after that it's 'hasta la vista'!

I have my final Remicade treatment on Wednesday and maybe I can do more packing that day since I'll be home. I did talk to my GI doc today and he said he'd like me to try to get established with a GI doctor up there so that I don't fall behind on my treatments. Which is all well and good and everything, but if I don't have insurance to AFFORD said treatment due to not having a job, than it'll seem relatively pointless.

Just a brief post to update everyone on what's been happening.

The main thing is that I just got home from spending nearly a week in the hospital due to a severe Crohn's flare up. I had mentioned before how I had been feeling sick and I wrote an earlier post about the various doctor's visits et al regarding all of that.

Saturday night I decided that the outpatient care I was getting wasn't cutting it. I actually voluntarily decided I wanted to go to the hospital. This is not something I decide on a whim. For one thing, I really am not fond of hospital stays. Previous experience had taught me it's not a lot of laughs (understandably given the nature of hospitals). But I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. There was something seriously wrong and I wanted to get it fixed.

Mom drove me to the ER and I got checked in. Did various tests of course and then I was finally admitted. Since it was close to midnight, we did get to be entertained by a random crazy guy who needed to be escorted off the premises by security. So that was kinda of fun.

I got sent up to my room which I shared with a nice older lady who was having what seemed like major back pains. Of course, by this time, I was pumped full of morphine, so I was feeling pretty good. I had a hard time sleeping that night because not only were the doors open and personnel kept coming in at various times of the night for vitals and blood work, but we also had a moaner on the floor. I dunno what her issue was, but it seemed she was in constant pain. She moaned almost the entire time I was there.

I kinda miss The Moaner...

I knew I was having a bad flare up, but I only hoped it wouldn't take long to get it under control. The goal on my board in front of my bed was "To be able to eat!" You would think that was a rather silly goal to have, but when one is in the throes of a Crohn's flare up, food is the least appetizing thing you can think of.

So naturally I tormented myself by watching the Food Network almost 24/7...

I was attached to an IV which was pumping me full of fluids. I can tell I was dehydrated because I didn't have to pee any of it out until several days later.

I think the cramping was the worst part of it. I did hole myself up in the bathroom a few times and sobbed like a baby. Hey, I think I was entitled for at least a few times. It was very cathartic. I have to consider myself lucky in that this is the only flare up I've had since I was diagnosed with this stupid thing 11 years ago.

My mom was able to talk to my supervisors at work and explain the situation as to why I was out for two weeks (maybe a wee bit longer). Thankfully they were pretty understanding about it and I won't get in deep for being out.

Now I am going to try to get my life back to semi-normal. I did receive a Remicade treatment while I was in the hospital. Hopefully it should take effect pretty soon. It depends on the severity of the inflammation and the reaction of the individual. I have another scheduled for a week from tomorrow. I was also sent home with an entire pharmacy of drugs, so that should help for a little while.

Oh, I also received the first book I ordered from you guys, dqbunny and secondlina! Very exciting!!

Well, in case some of you were wondering what's been going on with me, I'll tell you.

It seems that after lying dormant for 11 years, my Crohn's decided to erupt again like a volcano. Now, remember me telling you that when I had my last colonoscopy, that there was more inflammation than usual. Well, this week it decided to rear it's ugly head. So I've been stuck at home with nausea, stomach cramps, diarrhea, loss of appetite and fatigue. Joy.

At first I didn't know what it was. I thought it was some sort of stomach bug. Up until Sunday I felt pretty ok. Still having what I thought was a difficult recovery time from my procedure. Then Sunday, I was feeling really terrible. I was lethargic and weak and had no appetite. It was really bad during the birthday party my aunt threw for my uncle's 70th birthday because she cooked so many of my favorite foods and I had not the heart to eat much. Normally I would've been wolfing it down and going back for seconds (including cake), but not this time. I was barely able to eat the small portion I had on my plate, which was very disappointing for me especially.

So I vomited some while at home and laid in bed most of the rest of the day. Same thing for Monday, July 4th. I mean, we had a game night planned for Sunday, yet I couldn't go because of the way I was feeling. It was pretty upsetting to say the least.

Tuesday, mom had me come in with her so I could be seen at the walk-in clinic there. Needless to say I was dressed for work like I had actually planned to go in. Silly me. So the walk-in doctor saw me, gave me a rectal exam (such fun), took some tests, drew some blood, took a urine sample and took a few abdominal x-rays. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, he came and told me that I had a UTI and rectal bleeding (due to the diarrhea). He wanted me to follow up with my GI doc as soon as possible (which would be the next day). So he gave me a doctor's note excusing my absence from work, gave me a prescription for antibiotics (for the UTI) and mom used her lunch hour to drive me home.

Wednesday, I was still feeling pretty sucky, so my mom had my aunt pick me up and drive me to the doctor's office since I needed to have an abdominal ultrasound done before the GI doctor saw me. So that was done and I was squirreled away in an unused room until it was time for my appointment. So then my GI doctor came in and examined me and asked me all sorts of questions and looked at my test results. His conclusion: my Crohn's had been reactivated. I pretty much had (have) all the same symptoms as I did when I was first diagnosed 11 years ago. Except for the cramping. I never had any of the cramping before. He attributed that to the UTI, which he said can sometimes cause cramping. He did say there was no bleeding in my abdomen, which was a big relief to me, because due to my anxiety disorder, I tend to be somewhat of a hypochondriac. So naturally I was thinking all sorts of things, like internal bleeding, appendicitis, ulcers, ect...

So he prescribed me a few new temporary meds like a medrol dose pack, which is a specific days worth of prednisone in order to get my colon back in shape so I can be a functioning human again. I also received some anti-nausea meds which knocked me out. Thankfully I only needed to take those once or twice.

So that has been my life lately. Too sick to even really get out of bed, much less do anything productive. Hopefully while the meds kick in, I can start to feel normal again and also eat like a human being again.