.:reflections of twilight:.

I've been going through some of my older journal entries (from 2005 no less) in order to try and narrow down the dates of when I was employed at the guitar shop and it's rather interesting rereading the old entries and my old 'voice' as it were.

I can definitely notice a difference in my writing style between then and now. For one thing, I was waaaay more into various fandoms than I am now. I mean, I still have fandoms, but I tend to not write about them in such a fangirly way like I used to. Maybe it's due to maturity, or the fact I don't have the time to unabashedly fangirl as much as I used to.

I also tend to notice how much free time I had to do all of the fangirling I did. Well, I didn't have a job then, so I guess I did have more time. I also had more money despite not having a job since I didn't have to pay rent back then so I could buy more random crap. I shouldn't say that. I mean, I bought mostly anime and manga stuff, which I wish I could still do if I had the money (and the space for it all).

I also noticed a lot of the commenters on my entries aren't even on here (LJ) anymore. A bunch of crossed out names and such as well as some who simply don't post anything anymore. Kinda makes me wonder what happened to them all. Like thesnipe and others.

I do hope I can find the info I'm looking for so that I can finish my resume and post it to job sites in Tennessee and get the ball rolling on this whole 'blowing this pop stand' plan.

Although I do notice my eyes growing blurry from reading through everything. I just wish I knew specifically when it was so I could narrow down my search. If only I hadn't been to damned determined to post an entry every. single. day. *facepalm*

Trying to type this up while listening to a podcast and people talking is kinda like walking and chewing gum at the same time…

Anyway, onto the point of this entry. I was having a ‘discussion’ (it was through comments on Facebook, so an actual discussion is stretching the definition a bit) with a friend of mine and I think we both came to a similar conclusion: I may actually be asexual.

Now whether this is a ‘result’ of being celibate for so long that I lost interest in sex, I dunno. I’m not sure it quite works that way. Now, granted, I am sexually attracted to other people (guys) and have had crushes now and then, but wanting to throw them down and ravage them… not so much. So it might be from more of an aesthetic point of view.

Now, I’m not saying I’m opposed to having sex (when/if I get married), but if it never happens to me, I’m not gonna be too utterly disappointed about it or anything. Frankly, the idea of sex kinda scares me a little bit. So I tend to avoid it. Never being in a relationship kinda helped in that matter, so there wasn’t any opportunity. But if there had been, I think it would have (and still would) freaked me out.

It actually kinda used to bother me that I never had a boyfriend and that I am still single at 34, but that’s not really the case anymore. I kinda like being single right now and it’s also a case of not missing what you never had. If it comes to a point in my life where I do meet someone and by chance we get married, then so be it. Never say never, you know. But I’m not banking on it at this point.

So maybe I’m semi-asexual? I dunno if there’s a ‘test’ or something to take or not. I’m not really into the label thing anyway…