snapdragon76 | The Joy of Asexuality

Trying to type this up while listening to a podcast and people talking is kinda like walking and chewing gum at the same time…

Anyway, onto the point of this entry. I was having a ‘discussion’ (it was through comments on Facebook, so an actual discussion is stretching the definition a bit) with a friend of mine and I think we both came to a similar conclusion: I may actually be asexual.

Now whether this is a ‘result’ of being celibate for so long that I lost interest in sex, I dunno. I’m not sure it quite works that way. Now, granted, I am sexually attracted to other people (guys) and have had crushes now and then, but wanting to throw them down and ravage them… not so much. So it might be from more of an aesthetic point of view.

Now, I’m not saying I’m opposed to having sex (when/if I get married), but if it never happens to me, I’m not gonna be too utterly disappointed about it or anything. Frankly, the idea of sex kinda scares me a little bit. So I tend to avoid it. Never being in a relationship kinda helped in that matter, so there wasn’t any opportunity. But if there had been, I think it would have (and still would) freaked me out.

It actually kinda used to bother me that I never had a boyfriend and that I am still single at 34, but that’s not really the case anymore. I kinda like being single right now and it’s also a case of not missing what you never had. If it comes to a point in my life where I do meet someone and by chance we get married, then so be it. Never say never, you know. But I’m not banking on it at this point.

So maybe I’m semi-asexual? I dunno if there’s a ‘test’ or something to take or not. I’m not really into the label thing anyway…

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I think it's more of being more content with your life than anything. I mean ... *cough* do you have any sexual urges at all that are handled through self-gratification? If so, I can see why the need to have a sexual partner in any way wouldn't be a top priority. You're happy with your life in every way, and you don't feel that you need a man to complete you.

I was never really interested in sex until my mid-20s. I dated, yeah, but the idea of sex replused me in a way because I was terrified of the pain associated with losing my virginity. So, I was happy just going it alone. I liked guys and all, and I felt lonely and wanted a boyfriend, but then it was too much trouble. After I lost my virginity, I did want sex more, but not enough to seek out a guy just to satisfy that particular itch. I just took care of it myself. I was happier being single than going through the drama of dating - especially after a series of dud dates over the course of a year.

Granted, I'm married now and I enjoy every aspect of being married, but I was very happy as a single woman when I realized what was going on with me and Mike. I was actually pissed because I didn't want to give that up after I was finally comfortable with being single.

So, I don't see you being so much being asexual as being happy and content with your life.

Well, this is something that I've only recently thought about so it's kinda new to me I guess you could say. At this point I am happy with my life for the most part and I do "take care of things" if the need arises. I don't necessarily feel loneliness anymore like I once did. I dunno if it comes with maturity or just accepting things the way they are.

I mean, things may change in the future, but they may not. Who's to say. At this point I'm pretty ok with the way things are.

Totally agree with everything

dqbunny said up above. I was never that interested in sex before I got together with Stu. In fact, I use to worry there was something wrong with for not being that interested in boys in high school.

And trust me, I know plenty of other girls who aren't crazy about the idea of having sex and of course there's nothing wrong with that. I know plenty of woman in their 50-60s who have never been married but are perfectly happy.

Heck, my great aunt who lived to be 97 never got married, and she was happy with her life. So, I wouldn't slap on the asexual label just yet. I see it as you're just happy with your life. ^_^

Well, like I was explaining to Meg, this is a something that I only htought about just recently and it arose from a conversation with a friend of mine who is Asexual and has been for quite awhile on. There are various levels of it, like people who date and find others attractive, but have no sexual desire whatsoever.

Maybe things will change in the future, maybe they won't. I don't know for sure.

There are varying degrees of Asexuality. And for me I a flat out Aromantic asexual. You, if you chose to fit under the lable of asexual, sound more like a hetero-romantic asexal. And a good number of us are generally the same way when it comes to sex and relationships. And it can be used as a "bridge" to finding your own sexuality, just like some gays and lesbians use the "Bisexual" thing as a bridge to coming out as simply homosexual. (My sister did exactly that.) Some use it simply as a way of explaining and summing up in one word that they have other things on the list of things to keep them content and happy that rank a heck of alot higher than sex.

People change, though and so do sexualities, and if at some point you think that the "asexy" lable no longer fits pull it off and put on a new one, its that simple. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or that you are broken, it simply means your brain isn't wired for sex to be the ultimate goal in life.

I in general am the same way. I find guys aestheticly pleasing, have had several crushes IRL, and do in fact do the "Scratch that itch" my own though I usually don't think about anything. If I do end up having sex, whoo hoo... yay... if not I'm not missing anything. And I really don't think that simply by partaking in the act I'm going to be a sexual person or that it will change my opinion of being asexual, but for some people it does.

Yeah, I was leaning more towards heteroromantic more than anything else.

If it does or if it doesn't, makes no difference to me whatsoever. I had wondered about it for a little while now, so it's not altogether new.

And yeah, when I'm in the shower... taking care of things... I don't think of anything either. I know, WTMI...

And thanks for the discussion on this matter. :-)

I know people who never had boyfriends and are now 50. Single isn't BAD per se, if you're confortable that way.

I'm not saying it is. And being single doesn't necessarily mean you lack a sex drive. There is a difference between just being single because you can't or won't get married and being asexual. Here's (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality) the Wikipedia entry on Asexuality to maybe clear up some confusion. :-)

Edited 2010-11-18 13:51 (UTC)

Thanks for the confusion clearing! I don't think i'm very well informed about this sort of things, despite having friends who are bisexual, asexual, etc, etc. I'm too naive and brought up in a very "straight baby maker is good, anything else is less good..." environment. So I have to say i'm somewhat ignorant on the subject.

Glad I could help clear things up a bit! Most people know more about homosexuality and bisexuality than they do asexuality. It's not really brought up a lot and focused on.

Learn a bit of something new everyday, don't we?!

That's awesome that you have insight into yourself and are feeling at peace with that part of your life. I have a friend who is very confidently asexual. She says even if she ends up in a relationship at some point, she still wouldn't be interested in the sex part. It's definitely something to explore. I imagine there are communities and resources out there on the interwebs!

Edited 2010-11-30 04:27 (UTC)

Oh I know there are. Another friend of mine (she actually commented above) has various links to different sites.

The Joy of Asexuality

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