snapdragon76: My Chinese Zodiac sign (Japanese dragon)
I sometimes wonder if I annoy people by talking so much about my depression. Maybe that in itself is my depression talking. It seems to be getting slightly worse, what with the job hunt going on and facing rejection after rejection. Most people brush it off and move on. For me, it seems so much worse. Like, maybe there is something about me that is inherently unhireable about me. Maybe I'm simply supposed to live a life of poverty for the rest of my life.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It sucks. And while I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, a part of me has wished to die. More than once. I know therapy might help, but I don't know if I can afford it or not. Maybe I need a medication change. I might discuss it with my GP when I see her at the end of the month.

It's hereditary. My dad has depression and I think my mom might have it as well, but she doesn't seem to want to admit it.

I interviewed for a part-time job at the library in a neighboring town. It's something I'd be good at and that I'd like to do. It'd give me the much-needed experience that other employers seem to think I lack. But, I don't know if I'll get it. It seems that no one wants me to work for them and why should this be any different. People keep saying they'll “pray for me” or that “God will put me where I'm supposed to be.” Bullshit. I don't know if I believe that anymore. I wonder why I seem to be clutching so desperately to a belief that hasn't been doing me much good lately. All those people who seem to say that we bring this all on ourselves because our faith isn't strong enough can go straight to hell. Or maybe not. If I'm destined for the Dark Doorway, maybe I don't want to see them down there with me.

Maybe al of the posts I do documenting my depressive episodes are a cry for attention. Maybe I just want to see if anyone out there still cares.
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Default)
Things at work are going from bad to worse. My friend Jenn just told me that starting tomorrow she's going on medical leave for an indefinite amount of time. Things in there have gotten that bad.

And I hate it.

I hate everything about it. I hate the bitches in there that are too childish, petty, immature and spiteful to suck it up and act like mature adults and follow the rules like everyone else has to. I hate that my boss seems to not want to do anything about it which only escalates the situation. I hate the fact that the only real friend I have in there is being driven away and I can't even say good bye to her.

There's another data entry position available in another department in another location and I'm going to apply for it first thing tomorrow morning. Then I'm going to tell my boss exactly why. I don't know if it will make much of a difference or not, but I feel this is what I need to do in order to save my sanity and my very well being itself.

Hopefully I will be able to transfer and leave the drama and stupid kindergarten crap all behind me. I spend the majority of my time at work and that is not something I need to be faced with each time.

If I was really lucky, I'd be able to move out of this godforsaken state altogether. That may not be possible for awhile though.
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Amon 'Bitch Please' (rocknlobster))
Yesterday was just stressful. It started off good, but then it quickly turned to crap.

It started when I went to Whattaburger to get lunch. I generally don't like to go through the drive thru since it tends to be a bit slow. Well, yesterday, I had to get behind this woman who must've had this huge order, because it was taking much longer than usual to get it filled. Well, my car is one that doesn't like to idle for a long period of time. It starts to get hot. And it was doing just that as I was waiting. I mean, by the time I got to the window, the guy was very polite and explained the situation to me, but I was hardly in the mood to really care. I did my best not to show it, however.

Anyway, after I got my food, I was going home, and my car was starting to smoke a little. I didn't overly panic, because I knew once I got going, it would begin to cool down (strange, but true). Then I got home and started looking for the rest of the clothes I was planning on wearing to the job fair at mom's work. I didn't find them at my grandmothers which is where I have my nicer clothes stored, so I naturally thought I just didn't take them back after I had worn them on Christmas. Nope. They weren't here, either. So that meant I had no idea where my nice pair of pants were. So that also meant I couldn't go to the job fair. To top things off, I tried to call mom, but no one was picking up, which just furthered my annoyance. Eventually I did reach her and so I explained the situation to her and she let me off the hook as long as I went to the HR department at her office at some point, to which I agreed.

But, yesterday wasn't a total loss. I was able to pick up a few manga. Four in fact. 'Rurouni Kenshin 23, 'Samurai Deeper Kyo 17, 'Absolute Boyfriend' 1 and 'Kamikaze Girls.' I also picked up a Moleskine pocket notebook and a heavy weight pen to use on it. I blame [livejournal.com profile] cleolinda for piquing my interest in these notebooks after an entry she posted on her blog. I love all sorts of notebooky things.

Today is laundry day and I have to take grandma to her volunteering thing as well as who knows what else. Mom put more coolant in my car, so hopefully it'll be OK.

Trivia of the day: In Russia, imported American hot dogs are big favorites. They are eaten at lunch, dinner, and even breakfast. Wienies are often sliced lengthwise, fried in butter and dished up with bread, cheese, and smoked fish. In 1996, Russian imports of American cured-meat products totaled nearly $76 million.

June 2017

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