snapdragon76: My Chinese Zodiac sign (Japanese dragon)
I sometimes wonder if I annoy people by talking so much about my depression. Maybe that in itself is my depression talking. It seems to be getting slightly worse, what with the job hunt going on and facing rejection after rejection. Most people brush it off and move on. For me, it seems so much worse. Like, maybe there is something about me that is inherently unhireable about me. Maybe I'm simply supposed to live a life of poverty for the rest of my life.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It sucks. And while I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, a part of me has wished to die. More than once. I know therapy might help, but I don't know if I can afford it or not. Maybe I need a medication change. I might discuss it with my GP when I see her at the end of the month.

It's hereditary. My dad has depression and I think my mom might have it as well, but she doesn't seem to want to admit it.

I interviewed for a part-time job at the library in a neighboring town. It's something I'd be good at and that I'd like to do. It'd give me the much-needed experience that other employers seem to think I lack. But, I don't know if I'll get it. It seems that no one wants me to work for them and why should this be any different. People keep saying they'll “pray for me” or that “God will put me where I'm supposed to be.” Bullshit. I don't know if I believe that anymore. I wonder why I seem to be clutching so desperately to a belief that hasn't been doing me much good lately. All those people who seem to say that we bring this all on ourselves because our faith isn't strong enough can go straight to hell. Or maybe not. If I'm destined for the Dark Doorway, maybe I don't want to see them down there with me.

Maybe al of the posts I do documenting my depressive episodes are a cry for attention. Maybe I just want to see if anyone out there still cares.
snapdragon76: I like reading. A lot. (Harry Potter books)
This has been a rough 24 hours for me. I never heard back from the school I interviewed with and that usually tells me that they decided to hire someone else. A phone call or an email would've still been nice instead of leaving me hanging. It just doesn't seem very professional to do that to someone who applied for a position with you.

So another rejection triggered a major depressive episode that I still haven't fully recovered from. Being plagued with self-doubt with a smidgen of self-loathing sprinkled in isn't the best way to spend an evening. On top of all of this, the online company I was working for decided to cancel my contract with them because apparently, I wasn't rating things as perfectly as they would've liked me too. Although the email they sent was pretty nice, praising my professionalism through it all.

I did think that the end of this job meant an opening for a library position somewhere, but I guess not. I decided to step away from my social media accounts for a little while until I've fully dealt with this latest episode. Plus, I got tired of people trying to tell me how to handle my rejection. Just because something worked for one person, doesn't mean it'll work for me. I will send an email to the principal saying I appreciated him taking time out of his day to interview me (and others).

I may try to look for another online job in something like proofreading or something. I'll give myself a little bit of a break before I do, though...
snapdragon76: Did I mention that I like reading? (books)
Wow. It's been awhile since I posted on here.

I don't think 2016 is gonna be my year. Well, so far, 2016 hasn't been a great year all around. I'm thinking more professionally on my account. Despite many efforts, I haven't had any job bites so far. The school year will be starting soon and at this point, I don't think it's gonna happen. I've been trying to keep my hopes up and my options open, but it's been for nothing. Maybe I should take the first thing that's offered to me instead of holding out for something I really want. Hey, what's being unhappy over a steady income? I never knew that trying to find a job would be this difficult, at least for me. Others who graduated already have jobs. Maybe I'm just a loser who no one wants to hire...

Sorry, got a little dark there. People keep giving unsolicited advice to me, like maybe I need to volunteer somewhere. While that would be nice, I can't give up my paying part-time job. Maybe I should. I mean, who needs to pay for food and bills and the like?

This whole job search isn't good for my mental health, I gotta say...

The extra income is nice for one thing: I can go out and do some more things other than staying home all the time. Not just going to the bookstore and the like, but some of the summer programs that the area has. So, there's that I guess.

I'm gonna stop here before I depress myself further.
snapdragon76: (Last Unicorn)
Today was kind of a bad day today. I'm feeling very frustrated with the job prospects out there and while most of the time I try to remain positive, today everything just came to a head and all of my emotions kind of came to the forefront. I try not to angst too much on social media, but it kind of all came out and now I'm worried people will think I'm just being a complainer.

I know people mean well, but sometimes the advice they give isn't really all that helpful. Like a few are saying that I need to try substitute teaching or something. I don't want to teach. I want to work in the library. If I wanted to teach, I would've become a teacher. My social anxiety prevents me from doing it. Others are saying I should broaden my search to outside the library. And do what? I have a degree in being a school librarian.

I don't even know anymore. Mom keeps saying to hang in there and that God has a plan and a place for me. I'm not seeing it. I wish that I could know something about what's going on. It's frustrating. No one wants to take a chance on me. You pretty much have to know someone or have been in the education field for someone to hire you. What about those of us who wanted a career change outside of education? Where is our place? Why won't you hire us? Give us a chance?

I hate not knowing and all of this uncertainty. I keep saying about all of the things I want to do once I get a 'full time job' but I don't know if that will happen now.
snapdragon76: I like reading. A lot. (Harry Potter books)
I have less than two weeks before I graduate and still so much to do. I have to write a six page research paper by the 9th and finish up my online portfolio. I'm trying not to freak out about it, but I tend to do that anyway (thanks, Anxiety). Then I have other problems to deal with, like my insurance premiums going up drastically and only having limited funds. I probably wont even be able to get a job for six months after I graduate and in the interim, I'll be dead ass broke. I'll probably have to look into a part time job in the meantime, which has never been an easy task. I'm trying not to feel discouraged right now, because I want to focus on the positives, at least until after graduation. It majorly sucks, being below the poverty line. I just want to have a job where I can have a comfortable existence and not have to wonder where my next meal is coming from, or being unable to pay my bills and where I don't feel like I'm just existing.

Sorry for the complaining. I get these moods where I just feel sorry for myself and can't shake it. I think it's part of my Depression. I haven't even been on my Flist for weeks because I just can't put in the effort anymore. I keep it though, because the rare few of you who do actually post anything anymore, I want to stick around. Plus, I can say things on here that I can't anywhere else, and I think it helps a little bit, even if no one ever reads it.

I did manage to have my hair re-hennaed yesterday. It looks nice. It'll most likely settle into it's more 'permanent' color in a few weeks, in time for me to graduate. I also have to practice my very rust makeup skills for 'the big day'. I feel like I'm getting married. I have announcements, a gown, photographs, a rehearsal, etc... No honeymoon, though. But, I'm excited and will be looking forward to it and for it to be over with. I just hope I'm able to find a job at a good school as well as be able to move (if I need to) once the time comes. Adulthood really sucks...
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Default)
I have this mass of emotions roiling around inside me and it won’t go away.

I gotta say, Depression really sucks sometimes. Most of the time I’m doing just fine and then I get hit upside the head with a depressive episode and things get bleak all at once.

I feel like I’m at some sort of crossroads or something. I can’t explain it, really. I know I’m returning to school to get my Master’s degree and that’s a good goal and everything, but I still can’t shake this gloomy feeling. Maybe once classes resume and I’ll have something to do to occupy my time it’ll be better.

I also feel like I’m losing connections with my friends, especially the ones I have here. On one hand, one set of friends has busy lives that they’re living and no matter how much we try to connect, it never happens. On the other hand, another set of friends seems to be cutting people out of their lives altogether, which is bothersome in and of itself. I mean if we did something to offend you or something, come out and say it. Don’t be passive/aggressive about it. Let me know for God’s sake!!

I know I need to ‘get out there’ and ‘make new friends’ but it’s not that easy for someone like me who is shy and introverted. It’s hard for me to put myself out there like that.

Another thing that is grinding at me is a massive case of cabin fever. I’m stuck inside my house practically 24/7 since I have no money to go anywhere or do anything (even the free stuff takes gas to get there) and mom doesn’t seem to even be trying to find another job somewhere, and we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. I love my mom a lot, but when you’re stuck inside with someone, it gets to be a little annoying. I know she’s not thrilled with the prospect of having to work until she’s past retirement age, but it’s a necessary evil. And she seems to have no desire to even look, despite the fact that she was given a few leads to look into.

I can’t say anything for risk of hurting her feelings or sounding like I’m nagging or getting on her case and all of that crap. I’m at least making an effort to find another GA position somewhere. What has she done?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this on here since no one even reads this journal anymore. Maybe I just need to vent and get things out of my system. I’d hate to think that all people think I do is to try to garner sympathy. I dunno. Maybe I am.
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snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Rin/Haru -- "The Reason")
Ugh, feeling another emotional downswing right now. I just have to ride it out until it passes like usual. It kinda sucks though. Still, it’s not as bad as it has been in the past. While at my worst I’ve never felt suicidal, I have felt like I wish I’d never been born. But those were pretty rare occasions I gotta admit, thankfully. I mean, there was one time where I just laid on the bathroom floor crying, but that was only once and I haven’t felt like that in a few years now.

The medication I’m on does help, even though one of them does make me pretty drowsy. I mean, I’m not a total zombie or anything, but it does make it hard for me to wake up in the mornings. I’ve adjusted my medication as much as I can, so there’s not too much that can be done about it. At least I can still function on a day to day basis.

Sorry for putting this out there and all, but that’s the function of a journal really. Writing out your feelings and learning to cope and stuff. Sometimes just writing things out and seeing it in black and white helps you to deal with it and to recover fairly quickly. Kinda therapeutic in a way. Plus, you have something to look back on and say to yourself, ‘Wow, I was really feeling pretty low then.’

But, I have so much to look forward to, so I fully intend on sticking around. I never planned otherwise. Besides, my parents already lost one child, I’m not gonna deprive them of another. That would just be stupid and selfish. My life is pretty decent, I gotta say. I got friends and family who think I’m pretty ok. I just gotta keep that in the back of my mind on the low times.

See ya around! See, I’m starting to feel a little bit better already!
snapdragon76: Starlight by Muse (starlight)
Ugh, feeling another emotional downswing right now. I just have to ride it out until it passes like usual. It kinda sucks though. Still, it’s not as bad as it has been in the past. While at my worst I’ve never felt suicidal, I have felt like I wish I’d never been born. But those were pretty rare occasions I gotta admit, thankfully. I mean, there was one time where I just laid on the bathroom floor crying, but that was only once and I haven’t felt like that in a few years now.

The medication I’m on does help, even though one of them does make me pretty drowsy. I mean, I’m not a total zombie or anything, but it does make it hard for me to wake up in the mornings. I’ve adjusted my medication as much as I can, so there’s not too much that can be done about it. At least I can still function on a day to day basis.

Sorry for putting this out there and all, but that’s the function of a journal really. Writing out your feelings and learning to cope and stuff. Sometimes just writing things out and seeing it in black and white helps you to deal with it and to recover fairly quickly. Kinda therapeutic in a way. Plus, you have something to look back on and say to yourself, ‘Wow, I was really feeling pretty low then.’

But, I have so much to look forward to, so I fully intend on sticking around. I never planned otherwise. Besides, my parents already lost one child, I’m not gonna deprive them of another. That would just be stupid and selfish. My life is pretty decent, I gotta say. I got friends and family who think I’m pretty ok. I just gotta keep that in the back of my mind on the low times.

See ya around! See, I’m starting to feel a little bit better already!
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Default)
I have flour over me now.

We just got back from a Gingerbread House making contest over at my Music Minister's house. Our team made a Star Trek shuttle landing on a snow covered planet. It was pretty clever. I forgot my camera or else I'd have taken pictures... We won for Most Imaginative. Mom's team won for Best Overall (which was a lighthouse. I kid you not). Most Creative won with a Gingerbread Stonehenge. Scarily accurate, too. It even had a chocolate Druid.


I finished the Post Secret book. You don't realize it, but it's very emotional. I saw cards in there that hit very close to home for me and it was unexpected.

I had a massive depressive episode last night. I guess my hormones are out of whack coupled with my stressful life situation. I spent a while curled up on the bathroom floor. I felt better this morning.

The meeting today went well. We discussed what we feel some of the most stressful situations are in regards to our work situation. They said that they hope to be completely paperless by the middle of the year. I think that's stretching it a bit myself. But, we'll see where it goes. Hopefully some help will be sent our way.

Tomorrow is errand day and Sunday mom is gonna spend time with my aunt for her birthday (which is officially on Monday). So I will be stuck at home. Maybe I can get some stuff watched.

Trivia of the day: In the world's oceans, there are: 58 species of sea grasses. Less than 1,000 species of cephalopods - squids, octopi, & pearly nautiluses. 1,000 species of sea anemones. 1,500 species of brown algae. 7,000 species of echinoderms - starfishes, sea urchins, sea cucumbers and sea lilies. 13,000 species of fishes. 50,000 species of molluscs.