snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Default)
I’ve been trying to do more paper journaling as a way to dump out a lot of my feelings as they happen so that I can find ways to deal with them. Needless to say, I’ve been writing a lot. It’s this whole damn job situation.

Naturally, I’m plagued with tons of self-doubt and all kinds of crap. I’m beginning to think that I may have made of made a mistake in changing my career. No one seems to want to hire me in any capacity. I keep thinking I’m being punished for something for some reason. I don’t know what.

It’s not like I’m asking to be a millionaire. I just want a comfortable life. A job I enjoy, a home of my own, a car, planning for the future, good health, and enough to be able to enjoy my hobbies. Just like everyone else. How hard is that?

I’m starting to feel resentful for those who tell me that God has a plan for me. Is that so? I wish He’d let me in on it. I’m sick and tired of feeling this way. I’m sick and tired of not being able to even get a new pair of glasses. Of not being able to get my teeth fixed. Of not being able to even get my hair cut. I mean, is this supposed to be my purpose in life? Karma’s punching bag?!

I try not to bleed out my feelings onto social media too much. Which is one of the reasons I keep an offline journal. Still, sometimes I do and I hope others don’t think that I’m trying to elicit sympathy or something. I dunno…

I’m trying to distract myself by knitting and reading and coloring and stuff like that. It helps, but it’s not a cure. I do take meds, but I don’t know if they are as effective as they once were.

I’m mostly posting this to keep those of you who still read this updated on what’s been going on. Pretty much the same as ever. Nothing looks to change anytime soon.
snapdragon76: Zach rocking the 360 cameras at the MTV Movie Awards (Zach 360)
I'm trying very hard to not be annoyed right now. My car isn't working due to issues with the brakes. And when you only have one car, it kinda limits you.

While there have been a few nice people who have taken us for errands and the like, but there's still a limit to even what they can do.

Even though I have a part-time job now, I still don't have the money to get it fixed. So I'm pretty much stuck at home. And that's a problem. Not only is it the catalyst for massive cabin fever, but I can't do things that I need to do, like getting my allergy shots and doctor appointments to go to. I just have to figure out what to do.

Additionally, I'm kind of in a holding pattern with my job prospects. I realize it's getting close to the end of the school year, so there isn't going to be a ton of focus on new hires right now, but I have to figure something out so I know if I need to move and getting all of that taken care of. Plus, I have student loans due soon, so that's another problem I have weighing on me.

Why do children want to be adults so much? It kinda sucks...

I'm trying to stay positive, but it's not easy. Especially when you're like me and have Anxiety. It's not a good combination...
snapdragon76: My Chinese Zodiac sign (Japanese dragon)
The wonderful world of living with Anxiety. For a lot of people, they have concerns about certain things. For me, and many others with Anxiety, it ramps up. Right now, I'm feeling so much Anxiety about what will happen to me in the future. It's 24/7 all the time. I have so much going through my mind, like: Will I find a job? Will it pay well? Will I have to move? If I do, how will I afford it? Will I find a place in a nice area? Will I need to get a newer car? Will mom have to come with me? Will she be able to manage without my car? Will I do well in my new job? Will the students like me? Will my co-workers like me? And etc...

The meds I take do help, believe it or not. Without them, the feelings would be a lot more intense and overwhelming. As it is, they're still there, but not at the forefront of everything else. And they help with my Depression as well.

I know it seems like a lot to dump out all at once, but I think once you see it in black and white, it helps clarify things sometimes. Plus, it can be a way of looking back and reflecting. I just hope that I can be successful as an adult after all...
snapdragon76: I like reading. A lot. (Harry Potter books)
I have less than two weeks before I graduate and still so much to do. I have to write a six page research paper by the 9th and finish up my online portfolio. I'm trying not to freak out about it, but I tend to do that anyway (thanks, Anxiety). Then I have other problems to deal with, like my insurance premiums going up drastically and only having limited funds. I probably wont even be able to get a job for six months after I graduate and in the interim, I'll be dead ass broke. I'll probably have to look into a part time job in the meantime, which has never been an easy task. I'm trying not to feel discouraged right now, because I want to focus on the positives, at least until after graduation. It majorly sucks, being below the poverty line. I just want to have a job where I can have a comfortable existence and not have to wonder where my next meal is coming from, or being unable to pay my bills and where I don't feel like I'm just existing.

Sorry for the complaining. I get these moods where I just feel sorry for myself and can't shake it. I think it's part of my Depression. I haven't even been on my Flist for weeks because I just can't put in the effort anymore. I keep it though, because the rare few of you who do actually post anything anymore, I want to stick around. Plus, I can say things on here that I can't anywhere else, and I think it helps a little bit, even if no one ever reads it.

I did manage to have my hair re-hennaed yesterday. It looks nice. It'll most likely settle into it's more 'permanent' color in a few weeks, in time for me to graduate. I also have to practice my very rust makeup skills for 'the big day'. I feel like I'm getting married. I have announcements, a gown, photographs, a rehearsal, etc... No honeymoon, though. But, I'm excited and will be looking forward to it and for it to be over with. I just hope I'm able to find a job at a good school as well as be able to move (if I need to) once the time comes. Adulthood really sucks...
snapdragon76: this is made of win and awesome (Zel -- owl (meliachu))
Every time the phone rings, I start to get excited. 'Is this it? Is this the phone call telling me I may have a job?" But it usually turns out to be a sales pitch or a bill collector. *crushed* So I think I shall definitely call them today. I hope it's good news. IhopeIhopeIhopeIhopeIhopeIhope...

iTunes is pretty awesome. I just made two separate play lists for two different artists. I have my Muse play list and my Tori Amos play list (right now I'm listening to the Muse one). For the record, I have 28 Muse songs and 49 Tori songs. Now I just have to figure out how to get my last.fm to scrobble my iTunes play lists and I'll be all set.

OK, I wrote up my thought on ch. 38-45 on my GJ here in case anyone wants to read...

And finally, a neat "getting to know you" meme I snagged from [livejournal.com profile] soleta_nf. I hope I get some participants. C'mon, you know it's fun...

IF YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I want to know 28 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't. You are obviously on my list, so let me know with whom I am friends!

1.Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:


1. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

Have a good weekend everyone!!

Trivia of the day: The smallest of American owls, the elf owl, often nests in the Gila woodpecker’s cactus hole after the woodpecker leaves. The owl measures barely 6 inches tall. It specializes in catching scorpions, seizing each by the tail and nipping off its stinger. It then swallows the scorpion’s body, pincers and all.<--oh, I am so gonna use my owl!Zel icon because of this...

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